The Man I Used to Know
by Bremol
Summary: What if things hadn't gone the way they did on Mia's wedding day in PD2? Mia married Andrew. Joseph really did resign and Clarisse left to travel, not being able to face the memories.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I've been working on this story for quite some time, as Shakayla can attest to, but I got sidetracked by other fandoms so it's just been sitting waiting for me to pick it back up. I decided to post it and try to work on it again. The updates at times will be slow, but I will finish it, I always finish my stories.**

**The song, What If by Kate Winslet, is the song that inspired me to write this story and can be found on youtube if you want to listen to it. It's a beautiful song. **

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Chapter 1

_"Have you been thinking about us?" His voice was filled with hope._

_"Yes, I have," she answered as she looked up at him, her answer in her eyes before she ever said the words._

_"I see," he paused and backed up. "If you'll excuse me." He turned and walked away, stopping when she grabbed his arm._

_"No, Joseph, you had to know what I was going to say. I…Mia needs me now more than ever before, and it's the monarchy. As queen it's my responsibility. You know how it is." Her voice cracked as she tried to explain, seeing the normal twinkle in his green eyes die._

_"You were never just my queen, Clarisse. You were the someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But if you prefer that I see you, first and foremost as my queen, I shall oblige you." His heart felt dead and the warmth of his body suddenly turned cold._

_"No, Joseph…" she cupped his cheek in the familiar gesture, her voice pleading with him to understand._

_"Your Majesty," he said coldly as he backed away from her touch, bowing before turning and walking from the room._

Shaking herself from her thoughts, Clarisse stared at the letter written in Joseph's bold script telling her that he was formally giving her his resignation. It was now rumpled from her reading it over and over, but each time she read it, the words stayed the same.

Her Joseph was leaving her.

**_I'm sorry to leave on such short notice, Your Majesty, but a rather lucrative job offer has been extended to me that I simply could not pass up. But to take the job, I must leave today. Steven is well equipped to take over as Head of Security, so you will not have to worry about being unprotected._**

**_It has been a great honor to serve as Head of Security for the Renaldi family for these many years, and it is with sadness that I leave, but as with all things, time brings change._**

Clarisse couldn't read any further. She didn't have to. She knew what it said word for word. She had let her duty to her country scare off the one man that had ever truly loved her, the one man that _she_ had ever truly loved.

Mia had asked where Joseph was when he wasn't present at her wedding and Clarisse had told the girl that Joseph was gone, that he'd been gone for several days. That answer had brought on question after question, none of which Clarisse had answered truthfully. Only Charlotte knew the truth, and she would die with it buried in her heart before she'd reveal it to anyone, even Mia.

Now that Mia was married and getting settled into the life of wife to Andrew and Queen of Genovia, Clarisse decided that she would travel. She longed to go, to be able to just sit and enjoy the beauty around her and not be obligated to attend parties and social functions. She was no longer Queen, and while she had hoped that it would be liberating, she realized that it left her feeling cold and useless.

No.

The cold was from what she'd done.

From what she'd lost.

The cold had crept upon her the night she watched Joseph walk away. It had overtaken her when she realized that she would never see him again, that the last memory she would have of him was of his icy manner and green eyes that no longer held any sign of life. Eyes that had once been a window to his soul, had become closed and unknown.

In the months following that night, she had often heard his voice in the distance only to stop and remember that he wasn't there, he was gone, and it was only her mind playing tricks on her. Her dreams were cruel as well, often waking her with a sob as she realized his arms weren't wrapped around her and never would be again.

She had tried to learn where he'd gone to, tried to find out if he was okay, but no one seemed to know where he was. Steven hadn't known of a job offer, nor had any other member of the security or palace staff. This had brought up a whole new set of questions, the main one being, had he lied to her?

Shaking herself from her thoughts, she barely managed to put the letter in its envelope and shove it in a drawer before Mia stepped into the room. She could see from the look on the younger woman's face, that today was going to be another day of questions.

Questions that needed answers.

Answers that she couldn't give her Queen, or herself.

Because she didn't know.

She just didn't know.

**Two years later…**

Clarisse sighed as she stared down at the baby currently snuggled against her chest. He was a chubby cheeked little fellow that reminded her a lot of his grandfather. His birth had been what brought her back to Genovia, a place she hadn't been in two years. The pain of the memories was still too great, and being at the Palace where most of those memories were made, was nearly unbearable.

"What do you think of him, Grandma?" Mia's question broke through Clarisse's hazy thoughts.

Looking up at her granddaughter, she smiled gently at the exhausted young woman who had just spent the last thirty hours in labor. "He's beautiful, Darling. Reminds me so very much of his grandfather."

"Really?" Mia asked with excitement.

"Yes, really." Clarisse couldn't help but smile again at the young woman's sudden burst of exuberance. "I'll have to see if I can find some pictures of Philippe when he was a newborn."

Mia frowned as the words her grandmother spoke made her remember that her grandmother no longer lived in the Palace and that most of her things were still packed away in storage containers. "Grandma?"

Clarisse, having gone back to watching her great grandson sleep, looked up sharply at the sudden unhappy sound of Mia's voice. "Yes?"

"Will it hurt you if we name the baby Joseph Philippe?" Mia watched as her grandmother's eyes closed and she felt her heart break at the sadness her grandmother wasn't able to hide quickly enough.

Clarisse opened her eyes and let them fall back to the peaceful face of the baby. "Both men would be proud."

"Grandma?"

"Yes?"

"Tell me what happened? Please? I know it hurts you, but you have to talk about it. Why did Joe disappear?"

Clarisse swallowed around the lump in her throat. She didn't want to talk about Joseph, but she knew that her Queen deserved to know the reasons why the former head of security had left. "I hurt him."

Mia cocked her head to the side. "How? You love him."

"Duty."

"Oh, Grandma. Not again," she sighed. "This time it was because of me, wasn't it?"

"No," the older woman shook her head as she lifted her face to stare into her granddaughter's dark eyes. "Do not blame yourself. It was my fault, no one else's. No matter how much I loved him, years of doing what is expected of me for my country cannot be overruled that easily."

"I still played a part. If I hadn't needed you so much, it might have been different."

"Yes, it might have, but might haves never get us anywhere."

"I miss you, Grandma."

"I miss you as well, Darling." Clarisse smiled sadly as she watched her granddaughter's eyes slowly flutter closed. Looking down at her grandson, she slowly stood up and moved to his cradle. "I believe, young man, that you and your mother need rest," she whispered as she gently laid him on the soft mattress, tucking his blanket around him.

CnJ

Andrew stood up when he heard the door open and greeted the former queen with a warm smile. "Asleep?"

"Both of them." Clarisse nodded. "I'm going to go and leave the three of you alone. I'll be by later today after we've all had some rest."

Andrew nodded and helped her into her coat. "Grandmother?"

Clarisse smiled at the shy way he said the name. "Yes?"

Looking down at his shoes, Andrew chewed on his bottom lip. "Did Mia ask about the baby's name?"

"She did, and I told her both men would be proud."

"We didn't want to upset you."

"I'll be honest, Andrew. It does upset me, because just their names bring back memories, but I really am fine with the baby being named after them. I can't think of names more fitting for Genovia's new prince."

Andrew shook his head. "I can't believe I'm the father of Genovia's next king."

Leaning forward, Clarisse kissed his cheek. "You're a fine man, Andrew. I'm so glad Amelia picked you."

"Thank you."

"Now, go and get some rest. My guard will see me out."

"Goodnight."

Clarisse chuckled. "A bit strange hearing that at six a.m."

"Bit strange saying it." Andrew smiled then yawned. "Does it always take this long?"

Clarisse laughed, "Her father put me through nearly three days of labor by being stubborn. Be glad his grandson wasn't as stubborn."

"Oh my." Andrew's face paled. "How did the King handle it?"

"He slept through most of it."

Andrew's face showed his shock. "He slept?" his voice squeaked.

Clarisse chuckled at the shock on the young man's face. "My doctor made a nurse go and get Rupert's doctor, who in turn gave Rupert a sedative. The man was about to wear a hole in the floor and was so nervous that several staff members nearly lost their heads."

Andrew smiled. "Then I guess it's a good thing he slept."

"Very good."

Andrew opened the door for Clarisse. "Thank you for coming. She was afraid you wouldn't be able to make it."

"I wouldn't have missed being here for her for anything in the world, Andrew." Clarisse gave the young man one last smile then walked out into the hall, followed closely by her guard as they made their way to her waiting car.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you all so very much for the reviews, favs, and follows! I'm so happy you're all enjoying my little tale. **

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"Do you really have to leave, Grandma? You were gone for two years before coming back for the baby's birth. Besides, I believe Joey has gotten quiet accustomed to hearing his grandmamma sing to him." Mia smiled sadly at her grandmother.

"Amelia." Clarisse shook her head. "Darling, I have to go. I promise that I won't stay away for two years. Right now it is," she paused and looked away.

"What is it?" Mia reached out, placing her hand on her grandmother's arm.

Clarisse closed her eyes, sighing at showing weakness in front of her granddaughter. "These last two months have been very hard for me, Mia. I've loved every minute I've spent with the baby, and with you, but being here," she shook her head. "I just can't stay any longer, Darling. Please try to understand. Can you do that for me?"

"I think I do understand, Grandma." Mia reached up to wipe away the tear that had escaped her grandmother's tight reign of control.

Studying the girl, Clarisse realized something she hadn't noticed before. "You're in love with Andrew."

Mia smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I am. It sort of snuck up on me. I think that's why Joey didn't come along for two years. I got cheated out of marrying for love, someone or something was smiling on me and granted me the other part of my dream…to have a baby out of love."

"Oh Amelia." Clarisse reached out and hugged the girl. "I'm so happy for you, Darling. I know how much it hurt you to have to marry the way you did, but I've always been very proud of you for the decision you made even though you had the choice not to."

"I couldn't let you or my father down." Mia hugged her grandmother just a little tighter. "I love you, Grandma."

Pulling back, Clarisse caressed Mia's face. "I love you. I never knew I could love anyone more than I loved your father."

"He was your favorite, always?"

"Yes, he was. I tried to be fair and not play favorites, but Pierre wanted nothing to do with me once he turned twelve, and so my attention became solely focused on my baby. Of course, he wasn't much of a baby by then."

"Thank you for finding those pictures of him when he was a baby. Joey does look a lot like him, except he has Andrew's nose," she giggled.

Clarisse couldn't help but laugh at the way her granddaughter's eyes twinkled with mirth. "I'm sure that doesn't bother his father in the least."

"No, Andrew is quite pleased that his son at least has part of his features that resemble him." Mia sighed. "I'm just so thankful Joey wasn't twins. Ugh."

"I'm thankful, as well. Twins in a royal family cause all sorts of trouble."

"_The Man in the Iron Mask_." Mia commented.

"What?" Clarisse asked, clearly confused by her granddaughter's reference.

"Oh, it's a movie about twin princes. The father kept the first one and sent the second away to be killed and had the doctor tell his wife that the baby had died."

"Oh."

Mia frowned at the expression on her grandmother's face. "What?"

"It's just that," Clarisse paused and pursed her lips. "That story isn't completely fiction."

Mia blinked. "What? You mean it's true?"

"Well, remember, I said _completely_ fiction. The basic story is true."

"Who? Where?"

Clarisse laughed as she held up her hand to stop anymore questions. "Ten generations ago, there were twin sons born to the King and Queen of Genovia. The King made the decision to have the second son killed, but the Queen pleaded with the doctor to simply just send the boy away to another country. The doctor was relieved to be able to spare the child, and so did the Queen's bidding. He was able to fool the king into believing the child was dead and then fled with the boy in the dark of night. No one ever saw the doctor again.

Fifty years later, when the crown had been stolen from the Renaldi family, the twin son showed up. The people were astonished, but very glad, that there was a Renaldi who could rule their country. After proving who he was by showing the distinguishing birthmark he shared with his deceased brother, war broke out. The struggle for the crown to once again be held by the rightful heir lasted a year, but once it was over, Genovia breathed a sigh a relief after the years spent in oppression under the Von Trokens. The long lost prince was received in a blaze of pomp and circumstance. For forty years, King Pierre Philippe Renaldi reigned with peace and fairness."

"Wow."

"That's all you have to say?" Clarisse chuckled.

"It's just all so much to take in. I can't believe something like that really happened."

"Always remember that there are small amounts of truth in fiction."

"After the story you just told me, I'll never forget."

"There are a lot of stories you should know about your country's history. There is a woman who knows them, someone that told me the stories over the years when others wouldn't."

"Who?"

"Eleanor Fairview. She's one hundred years old, but her mind is still just as sharp as a tack. Her children tried to put her in a home for the aged twenty years ago, but she firmly told them she wasn't leaving her home. She lives in a small cottage in the country side. Steven knows where, just ask him to take you to her. You'll learn everything you need to know."

"But why can't you tell me?" Mia asked as the sadness of earlier returned.

"Oh, Darling. I know that you miss me. I miss you, as well, but I just can't be here. Besides, Eleanor is a wonderful storyteller. She's been the storyteller of the country for as long as anyone can remember. Unofficially, of course. There are so many stories that only she can tell. It's become tradition to only tell one or two of the stories to the future rulers then send them to a member of Eleanor's family. She was the same age as your great grandfather so it was her mother that told him the stories when he became King."

Mia sighed, her mouth still turned down in a frown. "So it will be Eleanor's daughter that tells the stories to Joey?"

Clarisse smiled. "No, her son. Eleanor was the first in a long line to only have sons."

Mia nodded. "That's good to know." Sighing, she shrugged her shoulders. "I won't try to talk you into staying anymore. I really am going to miss you, Grandma."

Reaching out to cup the young woman's cheek, Clarisse smiled sadly at her. "I'm only a phone call away. Always. If I go somewhere my mobile doesn't have service, I'll send you the number of where I'm staying so you won't have to worry. I promise."

Leaning forward, Mia wrapped her arms around her grandmother and held tightly. "I hate this. I hate how hurt you are. I, I hate him."

Clarisse tightened her embrace. "No, Darling. Don't hate him. Please, don't hate him. If he ever comes home, he'll need you. He loves you, Mia."

"Yes, Grandma." Mia nodded then pulled back and laughed when Joey began to fuss. "Perfect timing."

"Yes." Clarisse nodded. "I'll get him. That will give me a chance to kiss him and say goodbye."

Mia watched her grandmother as she walked over to the baby's cradle. There was a sadness in her step that seemed to wrap around her like a shroud and it worried the young Queen. She had never seen her grandmother so out of sorts. The former queen had never lost it, had always said royalty never lose it, always find it, but the longer she was around the woman, the more sure she was that her grandmother was very close to losing it.

It frightened her to think that it would happen when Clarisse was by herself, but there was nothing she could do. Well, there was, because as Queen she could order the former queen to stay in Genovia, but she could never do that to her grandmother. No, she'd just have to believe that someone out there would care for her should the time come when her grandmother finally broke down.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I should probably bump the rating on the story just for this chapter alone, but I'm not going to, at least not for now. I will warn you, this is more M than T.**

**Thank you to everyone that has reviewed and followed and favorited! I greatly appreciate it!**

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Clarisse smiled as she looked at the recent picture Mia had sent her of the baby. She'd never admit to it, but having what her granddaughter called, a smart phone, made things so much easier than trying to stay in touch by regular mail or always having to setup her laptop. Having this phone, she was able to constantly stay in touch with her granddaughter through email and text. With each new day, a picture of her great grandson would be the first thing she would see when she checked her messages, and as the day went by, she would constantly return to the pictures to help make it through the pain her heart was in.

She couldn't believe that it had been three months since she'd left Genovia. Her emotions were so out of control, she hadn't stepped foot out of the small cottage she had arranged to stay at while in County Cork, Ireland. Well, she had gone outside to sit and stare into the trickling brook that flowed behind the cottage, but that was it. She just couldn't face anyone. It was bad enough that her guard saw her weakness, she didn't need someone recognizing her and running to the press with the story of the broken former queen.

With those thoughts came the tears. She_ was_ broken. Broken and lonely with no one to turn to. _He_ had been her someone to turn to. She had trusted _him_ with her fears, her heart, and her tears. No one had ever seen her cry, except _him_. And what had she done?

Turned him away.

Taken the one and only thing from him that he had ever asked for.

Her love.

Her heart.

Her soul.

_Her_.

Wrapping her arms around herself, she pulled the soft shawl tighter about her shoulders, remembering the night he had given her the delicate lace wrap.

_"__Joseph? What is this for?"_

_"__You," he responded with a wink._

_"__Oh," she huffed with a laugh. "I meant, what occasion?"_

_"__Just because."_

_Smiling sweetly at him, she cupped his face. "You are such a softie."_

_"__Well," he growled. "not too soft."_

_"__Joseph!" she squealed, her face turning red._

_"__Open it so we can go on to __**other**__ things."_

_Clarisse could feel the heat of the blush still in her cheeks as she turned her attention back to the gift box, lifted the lid and pushed back the paper. "Oh Joseph," she gasped. "It's beautiful."_

_"__Just like you," he whispered against her ear before nibbling on the lobe. "I want to make love to you with you wearing only that."_

_Clarisse shivered at the warmth of his breath against her ear and neck, the thoughts of making love to him causing her to squirm. "Hmm, I think I know the real reason behind the gift," she accused with a chuckle then moaned when his attentions moved lower._

_Looking up at her, he smiled as he reached for the zipper of her dress, but stopped with a puzzled expression when she pulled away and shook her head. "Clarisse?"_

_Clarisse just smiled as she stood up from the sofa. Winking at him as she reached behind her, she pulled the zipper of her dress down, stepping out of it when it pooled at her feet. Keeping her eyes fixed on his, she kicked off her shoes and slowly began to roll down a silk stocking, smiling at the way his breath caught. Throwing the silk in his direction, she shivered when he held it to his nose, his gaze never leaving her._

_Joseph watched as Clarisse finished taking the last stocking off then moved to slip her fingers under the waistband of the thin lace that covered her lower body. Groaning as she slowly inched the panties down her thighs, he bit his lip when she let them fall to the floor slowly followed by her bra sliding down her arms to land at her feet._

_Straightening up, Clarisse reached for the shawl and lifted it gently from the box, carefully placing it around her shoulders. Moaning at the feel of the lace against her nipples, she smiled as she walked slowly to where Joseph sat still holding the silk stocking. "Darling," she all but purred. "I believe you're over dressed."_

_Joseph still didn't have the ability to speak so just nodded his head and watched her breasts sway as she knelt down in front of him. He felt her hands pulling off his shoes then socks before slowly sliding up his legs. "Holy merde," he moaned when she drew a hand up over his growing erection._

_"__Getting a bit confined," she whispered as she unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned and unzipped his pants all in one smooth motion. "Lift your hips, Joseph."_

_Joe did as she commanded, watching as she pulled his pants and briefs down over his hips then pushed them down his thighs. Eyes widening when she straddled him, he swallowed around the lump in his throat as she made quick work of unbuttoning his shirt and pulling it off him, tossing it behind them haphazardly._

_Leaning forward, Clarisse let her lace covered breasts brush against his bare chest. "Sensuous," she breathed as she let her head fall back, giving him complete access to her graceful neck. Shivering when Joe's hands finally touched her, she tightened her grip on his shoulders and moved her hips slowly against him, encouraging him to do more, to give her more._

_"__Mi amor" he whispered as he pressed his lips to her neck, gently nipping at the soft flesh. Bracing her back with his hands, he kissed his way to her breasts, gently suckling a taut nipple into his mouth causing her to gasp and squirm against him. He could feel her wetness sliding against him and he shifted to press closer._

_"__Oh Joseph, please!" she begged breathlessly as she opened her eyes to stare down at him._

_Holding her gaze and marveling at how dark her eyes had gotten, Joe gripped her hips and gently lifted her, guiding her as he thrust his hard length deep inside her. "Tight. Hot. Wet," he panted as he rested his forehead against hers._

_"__Don't talk," she breathed as she cupped his head in her hands. "Love me. Just love me."_

_Sliding his hands up her back, he tangled his fingers in her hair. "You're in control, Clarisse," he reminded her quietly._

_"__Oh," she breathed even as she began to move her hips in a circular motion that made him respond in a way that caused her to whimper and wrap her arms around his neck. Moving rhythmically up and down, she panted to keep from crying out as his thrusts came up to meet hers. Faster and faster she moved, her thighs beginning to tremble from the exertion. "So close, Joseph," she mumbled against his ear._

_Joe's body tensed at the feel of her warm breath against his ear. "Let go," he murmured, his own control slipping, the feel of her inner muscles contracting around him making him tighten his grip on her buttocks._

_Throwing her head back in abandon, Clarisse let go of her control, her body taking over and bucking wildly over him as her orgasm burned through her veins. "Oh god, Joseph!" she cried out._

_"__Yes," he hissed as he thrust up into her one last time, his own release filling her and causing her to whimper as another orgasm rolled over her right on top of the other._

_Collapsing against him, Clarisse rested her head against his shoulder, panting to catch her breath. Her head felt like it was swimming even though she knew it wasn't. She smiled when she remembered the reason why it felt that way. "Joseph?"_

_"__Mmm," he mumbled._

_Chuckling, she kissed his neck. "Thank you for the shawl."_

_Joseph gave a chuckle of his own and shook his head. "The lady screams my name in complete abandon, then thanks me for the shawl."_

"Joseph. My dear, sweet, Joseph," she whimpered as she wiped at the tears on her cheeks. That time on the sofa had been just the beginning for that night. "Dear god, I miss him." Her eyes closed as she let more tears fall. Her body was trembling with the onslaught of emotions.

The ever in control Clarisse Renaldi, who had faced down diplomats from more countries that she cared to remember, was losing it.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you for the wonderful reviews! I'm glad you're still liking this little tale. This chapter starts to setup a big twist in the direction this story heads in...**

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Shock showed on her face as she stared into the hard green eyes of the man she loved. He was different, acting as though he didn't know her. He stood straight as an arrow, eyes never quite looking at her.

"Joseph," she greeted.

"Mrs. Renaldi," he returned, strangely not using her title.

Clarisse frowned. "Odd meeting you like this."

"Not so odd. It is a small town."

Feeling her heart breaking at his cold, clipped tones, she swallowed and motioned for her guard. "Indeed it is."

"Yes, Your Majesty?" her guard asked from her side.

"I wish to leave now, William."

"Yes, Your Majesty." He bowed and took her arm, leading her away from the man that he knew had once been her personal guard. "I'm sorry," he whispered. Today had been the first day the former queen had ventured away from the small cottage and this was what happens. He'd never get her out of there again.

"No need to be sorry, William. Maybe it's time we moved on."

"Whatever you want, Your Majesty."

Smiling sadly up at the man, Clarisse realized he knew more than he let on. She hadn't known that he'd had any clue as to her and Joseph's relationship because he wasn't one of the Palace security. She'd hired him on recommendation from an outside source. William was the perfect unobtrusive guard, never letting her out of his sight, but not hovering over her in the way some personal guards were want to do at times.

Her thoughts turned to Joseph as she carefully lifted her legs into the car so that William could close the door. Joseph had never been the type to hover over her. He'd always been as a shadow, there but not in her way. She never had to worry about not being protected completely when it was just the two of them, because she knew that Joseph was always alert to what was going on around them. She sighed. Never in her life had she felt so lonely as she had those few minutes she stood staring into the eyes of the man she used to know.

"Who are you now?" she wondered quietly as she once again pictured his blank face looking away from her. The eyes that had once been so warm and filled with love, were now hard and empty of any emotion. His voice, once so soothing, was like ice.

What had she done to him?

What had become of the man she loved?

Closing her eyes, she placed a hand to her lips as the memory of his last kiss came to her unbidden.

She didn't want to remember what his lips on hers felt like.

Didn't want to remember the taste of him.

Didn't want to think of the fire that burned through her at the touch of his tongue against hers.

But she _was_ remembering.

How could her body, heart, and mind forget?

He had become the other half of her.

He had made her feel whole for the first time in her life.

And now…

Now she felt empty and cold.

And so _very_ old.

CnJ

Joseph growled as he kicked a rock on the street in his path.

Why had he come into town today?

Why did he have to run into her of all people?

It had been awkward. He hadn't been surprised by that. Fact was, he wasn't surprised by anything now days. His job didn't allow him to be. Surprise was deadly in this game.

He had seen in her eyes the pain his coldness had caused her. But why should he care? She had hurt him. It was she who had pushed him aside for duty. It was she who had killed any feelings he had for her, for anyone.

And now, the job that he had, feelings were as dangerous as surprise.

Being a sniper, picking off random targets that were enemies of his native country, was something he hadn't ever thought he'd be. But when he'd returned home to visit with his family, and it had become known that he was no longer employed in Genovia, he had been contacted by the government and from there, it was a blur.

A blur that he liked to keep.

He didn't like to think about the life he'd been living since that fateful night over two years ago. His life then had been dangerous, yes, but the beauty that had surrounded him had been worth the risk.

Now?

Now, there was no beauty.

Now there was nothing but death and violence.

But isn't that what he'd wanted?

Isn't violence what he'd chosen to fill his days with?

And what of his nights?

Nights were filled with fighting the demons he'd created within himself.

Demons of the love he could pretend was dead in the light of day.

Demons in the form of memories about the times he'd spent tasting her, touching her, loving her.

Even now, closing his eyes, he could see her alabaster skin glowing in the moonlight.

"_My god, you're beautiful," he breathed._

_Clarisse blushed. "Where are you glasses, Darling?"_

_Joseph shook his head. "You know very good and well that I do not need, nor wear, glasses."_

"_I do know that. It's just that I still find it hard to believe that you find me attractive after all these years. I'm old, Joseph. I'm not the same young woman I once was."_

"_No, you're not. Thank god."_

_Clarisse frowned. "What do you mean by that?"_

"_If you were still that same young woman, I wouldn't be here right now. I wouldn't have the privilege of seeing you nude. I wouldn't be able to reach out and caress your silky skin. I wouldn't be able to taste your kisses. You would be married." He shrugged. "So, I'm thankful you're not the young Clarisse."_

_Moving to brush her body against his, Clarisse wrapped her arms around his neck. "Then show me just how thankful you are."_

"_I'll show you that, and show you just how young you still are."_

Joseph shook his head, his lips tingling at the memory of the kiss that had followed that comment.

He didn't want to remember.

It wasn't night time, when he often let himself go, stopped fighting the demons, and remembered.

Remembered how silky she felt.

Remembered how she tasted like honey and mint.

Remembered how her skin glowed in the moonlight and in the firelight.

But it was of no use to fight it now.

It was too late.

He did remember.

And he felt so old.

So very, very old.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: So, as you can see, I changed the rating and bumped it up to M. This chapter was just pushing the T rating too far. It's probably pushing M too far, but it's going to stay. **

**Thank you for all the lovely reviews. As for the question that was raised in a review about what William's part in all of this is...you'll see. He does have something other than just being the replacement bodyguard ;)**

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"_Joseph!" she cried out, her back arching, her body lifting off the bed._

"_What, mi amor?"_

_Clutching at the sheets, her head tossing from side to side, Clarisse tried to make her mind focus on the question, but Joseph's tongue was doing exquisite things to her body, keeping her mind focused solely on one place. She could feel the blood rushing through her veins as her heart beat sped up with each lick or plunge of that very wicked tongue._

"_Please!" she begged, her voice hoarse from her cries. _

_Joseph smiled as he nipped at her clit then flattened his tongue against the sensitive flesh, causing her to buck up off the bed once more. He knew just how to work this woman, a woman who had never had a man love her wholly and completely. He knew from talking to her before they made love the first time, that she had only ever been with Rupert for the sole purpose of creating heirs to the throne. They hadn't loved each other, and she had been against friends with benefits, finding no reason to subject herself to the humiliation of a man seeing her naked and the other things that went along with sex._

_Oh, but he, Joseph, had taught her how to enjoy those things, teaching her that there was a difference between sex for sex's sake and making love. It had taken skill and a lot of patience, but the reward had been mind numbing and breath taking. She was everything a man could want in a woman, and so much more._

_Continuing with his ministrations, he built her up to the edge, then stopped. Watching as her chest heaved with the struggle to catch her breath, he waited for her to be able to focus enough to scold him for leaving her so close, yet out of reach, of her release. He licked his lips when her blue eyes finally focused on him, humming his pleasure at the taste of her on his tongue._

"_Joseph! What on earth are you doing?"_

"_Teaching you patience, my love."_

"_Patience? Patience!? Joseph, I'll have you know I'm a very patient person, but…" she moaned and wiggled on the bed. "There's so much pressure, Joseph. So much. Please," she begged quietly as she stared into his green eyes._

_Moving up her body, Joseph smiled down at her before capturing her mouth in a heated kiss, his tongue pushing between her lips to scrape across her teeth and tease her tongue into doing the same. This was another thing that had taken a while for him to get her to loosen up enough to do, but once she did, she always amazed him with how good she was. Feeling her tongue move against his, he tangled them together, lightly engaging in a tug of war._

_Clarisse moaned as their tongues mimicked what their bodies, she hoped, would soon be doing. Her hands clutched at his shoulders as his lower body moved against her, his arousal brushing against the wet, hot flesh he'd left swollen and aroused. Titling her hips, she tried to take him inside, but he moved back. Growling into their kiss, she drug her foot up his leg then back down again, hoping to entice him into giving her what she wanted._

"_Do you see it now?" he questioned as he pulled out of their kiss, a hand caressing her hair from her forehead._

"_See what?"_

"_How thankful I am."_

_Smiling and lifting a hand to cup his cheek, she leaned up to kiss his lips. "Almost. I believe there's something that would give me the complete picture," she murmured huskily as she wiggled her hips against him again._

"_This?" he questioned as he thrust deep within her, holding steady as she adjusted to the feel of him._

"_Yes," she hummed. "Oh yes."_

Joseph stared out the window at the moon's bold light blocking out the stars that dared to twinkle in the night sky. He felt like those stars at the moment, the moon his memories of that night with Clarisse so many years ago. They were bold and brilliant, almost as if they had just happened. His body reacted to them just the way it always did. He was aching with the need for release of the arousal the memories had brought on, but as with the other times, he would do nothing to alleviate the ache. Slowly it would fade with the rising of the sun, as always, and he would go on about his mission.

Thinking of his mission, he sighed. Maybe it was time to end this part of his life. He hated the job, hated hiding behind the high-powered rifle, using his skill to end some soulless idiot's life. It wasn't as if it bothered him. Nothing bothered him anymore. How could it?

He was dead inside.

Dead to everything save the memories of her.

"Damn you, Clarisse!"

CnJ

Clarisse wiped at the tears on her cheeks as she shivered from the cool breeze blowing across the meadow behind her little cottage. She hadn't left, not yet. She hadn't really known where else she could go, her mind too clouded with memories, her heart too filled with pain, to be able to concentrate on who to call or what to do.

Over and over again the memory of that last night together and the morning when he kissed her lips so sweetly, kept playing in her mind. So many times in the last hours she'd felt a scream building up inside her, but had stopped herself for fear of disturbing William. Even now the memory was so strong that she could feel Joseph's hands on her body as he brought her pleasure.

"_I'm sorry I've been so busy, my darling," she whispered, caressing his face as he looked across the pillow at her._

"_I understand. Parliament threw a rotten pear your way with this marriage rule. It's only natural that you've been busy doing a bit of creative dodging."_

_Clarisse couldn't help but laugh at the analogy, but agreed that this marriage rule was indeed a rotten pear. "I'm grateful to have you here with me. I missed you while you were away. I was looking forward to having you back again, but then Mia was sharing my suite and I still couldn't be with you."_

_Nuzzling her neck, Joe nodded. "I missed you, as well. I wanted to strangle Rupert's cousin for messing things up."_

"_I must admit I had a few moments when I wished to do the same thing."_

_Moving closer, Joe caressed a hand over her hip down her thigh. "I'm tired of talking about dead husband's and their kin, granddaughters and their rotten pears."_

"_Huh…ooh," she breathed when his hand dipped between her thighs, gently stroking her, making her ready for him. "…so am I."_

"_Such an easy touch tonight," he murmured against her lips before trailing his kisses to her neck then breasts, suckling a taut peak between his lips._

"_Because I missed you so much," she panted as she gripped his shoulders, her head falling back to give him better access. "I hate when we have to be apart. No more…ooh…no more going out of the country."_

"_I promise I'll try my best not to be gone that long again," he whispered against her neck as he slowly sank inside her, her inner muscles contracting around him as she adjusted to his length and size._

"_Oh, how I've missed this," she breathed as she lifted her legs, wrapping them around him as he held her against him._

_Moving slowly in a rhythm she quickly picked up, Joe buried his face against the soft skin of her neck, nibbling gently. Even though they'd been apart for three long weeks, their bodies seemed to settle into the languid movements he'd set, neither rushing toward release. He could sense something, something that made him hold her tighter. Nothing had happened to make him feel this way, but suddenly a cloud was hanging over them._

_Clarisse could feel the shift in Joseph's mood, and wondered what it was that made him hold her a bit tighter. She couldn't remember a time when they'd made love like this, but it was soothing and sensual. The feel of their bodies moving in perfect time with the other, as if creating their own symphony, made her heart beat trip and her eyes water. Tears coursing down her cheeks, she wrapped her arms and legs tighter around him, clinging to him as if this were their last night together._

Clarisse wrapped her arms around herself as a sob escaped. Somehow, they had both known that night that their lives were going to change.

Both, without realizing it, had been saying goodbye.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: This chapter moves the story further along in the plot of angst.**

**Thank you for the reviews! I hope you're still with me when you see how angsty this story is going to get...**

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Clarisse stared at the man kneeling in front of her, not really seeing him for who he was. The face she saw was the face of the man she loved, the face that haunted her every thought. "Joseph. Oh dear, Joseph, you've come back to me," she whispered.

William swallowed as he tried to think of what to do. He'd never seen her like this. She was the strongest woman he'd ever known, but right now, she seemed lost. "It's William, Your Majesty," he told her quietly, hoping to snap her out of whatever was wrong.

"I never thought you would forgive me, Joseph. I'm so sorry for choosing duty over you again." She caressed the face in front of her still seeing the man that she'd loved for nearly all of her adult life.

Feeling his heart break, William closed his eyes against the anguish he could see in the glassy eyes of his employer. He could tell by the way she was acting that he wasn't going to be able to get through to her. "It's alright now. Everything's alright," he whispered, deciding to play along. "I'm going to go for a few minutes. I'll be right back."

Clarisse nodded. "I'll wait right here, Darling."

William hurried out of the cottage, dialing the emergency number he'd been given and waiting for someone to answer. Closing his eyes against the sting of the sudden tears that sprang up from seeing his employer in such a state, he sighed when the groggy voice on the other end turned out to be Andrew's instead of the young Queen's. "I'm sorry to wake you, Sir, but it's about the Queen's grandmother. She's ill, Sir. I don't think I should say more over the phone. I believe that it's better if you come here. Please don't bring the Queen. This will upset her." He listened while Andrew gave instructions, feeling the weight lifting somewhat. "Yes, Sir. I understand. Thank you, Sir." He closed his phone, ending the call, and took a deep breath before going back inside.

"There you are." Clarisse smiled brightly. "See, I'm still right where I said I'd be. Where did you go?" she asked when William knelt down in front of her once more.

"I just had a phone call that I forgot needed my attention," he added a lie to the truth, not wanting her to ask more questions than necessary. "It's getting late, maybe you should get some rest. We'll be having a visitor tomorrow."

"Oh? Who?"

"The Prince Consort, Andrew Jacoby." William told her and frowned when she gave him a puzzled expression.

"Prince Consort? I have sons, Darling. What kind of games are you playing?" She smiled and caressed his cheek.

"I'm sorry," he whispered and smiled. "I shouldn't be playing games. You're much too smart."

Suddenly she yawned, then laughed. "Oh my. Maybe I _should_ get some rest."

William nodded and offered his hand to help her up, swallowing hard when she tucked her arm in the crook of his, expecting him to escort her to her room. How was he going to get out of this? Heaven help him, he could only pretend so much.

Pausing at her door, Clarisse looked up at the man beside her. "Thank you for walking me to my room, Joseph. What time will our guest be arriving tomorrow?"

"In the afternoon, Your Majesty. Sleep well."

She smiled and caressed his cheek. "You do the same."

CnJ

William was shocked when he opened the door to find Andrew standing on the other side. "I thought you would be here this afternoon, Sir."

"I flew myself, William, and it's Andrew. We're not in Genovia." Andrew smiled at the man as he made his way into the small cottage. "This is where she's been staying all these months?"

William nodded. "Yes. She didn't want anything elaborate."

"Where is she?"

"Asleep. Which I think is for the best."

"What do you mean?" Andrew asked as he sat down on the sofa.

"She doesn't know who you are, Sir."

Andrew frowned. "I think maybe you should explain what's going on."

William sighed as he fell into a chair. "She thinks that I am Joseph."

"What brought him up?"

"He was in town two days ago, the day she decided to go look around. We ran into him…the meeting didn't really go that well."

Andrew drug a hand over his face. "But that doesn't explain why she thinks you're him. Or why she doesn't know who I am."

"Something seemed to snap inside her, Sir."

"Have you talked to anyone other than me?"

"No. I didn't even call a doctor. I didn't want to do anything without family being here."

"Good. We need to get her home to her own doctors."

William nodded. "How, Sir? She still thinks both of her sons are alive."

"Oh," the younger man sighed. "So she doesn't know Mia, either."

"I don't know." William shrugged. "Just because she doesn't remember you, doesn't mean she's forgotten the Queen."

"But if she thinks both of her sons are still alive, then she thinks she's still Queen. If she remembers Mia, she'll think she's still a young child."

"If you flew yourself here, how are we going to get her home?"

"Charlotte is coming in on Genovia One. She'll call once they've arrived. Grandmother should remember her. Charlotte has been with her since before Pierre abdicated."

"William, who is our guest?" Clarisse asked from the doorway, startling both men.

Andrew stood up and walked to her, bowing and pressing a kiss to her hand. "I'm Andrew Jacoby, Duke of Kenilworth."

"Oh yes. Lovely family." She smiled at the young man. "Did I hear you mention Charlotte? Where is she?"

William bit his lip, wondering just exactly how much of the conversation his boss had heard. "She's on her way and will be waiting for us at the airport, Your Majesty."

"Yes," Andrew picked up on what William was doing. "I was in the area and was asked if I would find you. It seems something has come up in Genovia that requires your presence."

"Oh?" Clarisse asked, her eyebrow arching.

"I'm sorry that I don't have anything more, Your Majesty. That's all I was told."

"Alright, then. I need to pack my bags. Thank you for being the messenger, Andrew."

"It was a pleasure, Your Majesty."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: This chapter explains what's going on with Clarisse.**

**Thank you for the lovely reviews!**

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Mia clung to Andrew as she sobbed, her heart breaking at the state her grandmother was in. The doctors had told them that the Dowager Queen had an aneurysm that had been leaking for weeks, possibly months. The flight home had been dangerous, they had been told that it could have killed her.

Andrew held his wife as close as he could without hurting her. "Shh, Mia."

"But I can't even see her. She doesn't know who I am."

"Well, she knows that she has a granddaughter, but to her you're still just a baby."

"And what about Joey? She's here, she's going to hear him crying at some point. How are we going to explain him?"

Andrew kissed the top of his wife's head. "Pierre came up with an explanation for that. He's coming home to stay until things are settled. He called late last night to tell me that he's leaving the church for the time being. This way he can pretend to be taking care of things around here which will explain why she won't be. That and the fact that her head is hurting her to the point of the doctor putting her on complete bed rest. Pierre says that we'll tell her that I was invited to stay here along with my wife, you, and our baby while my home is being remodeled."

Mia frowned. "So some random Duke and his family get invited to stay at the palace just because their home is being remodeled? Come on, Andrew. Even if she is sick, Grandma isn't going to fall for that."

Andrew chuckled, "I'm sure your uncle will make it believable, Darling. Our families were very close once, so it might just work."

Mia sighed and snuggled back against Andrew's chest. "So I can see her?"

"I don't know, Darling. Pierre will have to decide that. He's the one that we're going to have to rely on in this. Maybe seeing him will snap her out of whatever this is."

Mia shook her head. "No. Not him. Joe. She needs Joe."

Andrew sighed and rubbed Mia's back. "You're right, she does, but we don't know where he is. William has gone back to Ireland to see if he can find out if Joseph is still in County Cork. If he isn't, William is going to find out what he can about where he went. William won't give up until he finds Joseph, Mia. This whole thing shook the man up quite a bit. He's just like all the others, very protective of her, and seeing her like this…" he shook his head. "Well…it just means he won't stop until he brings Joseph home."

"You love her." Mia smiled up at her husband.

"Yes, I do. She's become my grandmother, something I haven't had since I was a little boy. I was getting used to calling her, Grandmother. Now I'm going to have to constantly remind myself not to call her that."

"She loves you too, Andrew. She never said so, but I could tell that she was glad I went ahead and married you. And I know that she was happy when she realized I'd fallen in love with you."

"We'll get her back, Mia."

"How? Her doctors have all said that they can't perform the surgery…that none of the surgeons here are qualified. If she can't travel to a surgeon who is qualified," she stopped and looked down at her shoes.

"Then we simply pay whatever it takes to bring the top neurosurgeon here."

"I'll give them the crown jewels if I have to."

"Whatever it takes." Andrew whispered as he held Mia's face in his hands. "Whatever it takes."

CnJ

William cursed as he stood outside the hotel his predecessor had been staying at while in County Cork, _had been_ being the two operative words. The man had left the day after the encounter with his former Queen, the day the lady had lost all sense of how things now stood in her world. He was still confused about how things were jumbled up inside her mind.

He, William, she thought was Joseph, she had two sons, but the oldest hadn't abdicated, the youngest was still alive, and yet, she believed her husband, King Rupert, to be deceased. Which wasn't chronologically correct. By the time the King had passed, Prince Pierre had been Father Renaldi for at least three years. The former queen knew she had a granddaughter, but thought her to still be just a baby, which again didn't make sense.

"None of this makes sense," he mumbled as he made his way to his car. He'd been given an address once he'd told the manager of the hotel his reason for looking for Joseph whatever in the heck his last name was. How was it that the man had managed to go for so many years without anyone but the King and Queen knowing his last name?

"Too many riddles in this mess," he mumbled then yawned as he turned down the street the hand drawn map indicated. He wasn't sure what kind of job Joseph was doing, but whatever it was, it was wrapped in enough secrecy to be like a James Bond movie. "Maybe that's what he's doing now. Maybe he's a double-o agent. He was after all the best." Shaking his head, William yawned again. He was too tired for this, which had to be the reason why he was talking to himself as if someone were there with him.

Parking in the only spot he saw open outside his destination, William stared at the ancient building, wondering just what he was getting himself into. "For Her Majesty," he murmured as he got out of his car, warily looking around and patting where he knew his gun was before making his way to the door to enter and see what kind of information he could glean about the seemingly illusive Joseph.

CnJ

"Yes, Sir. That's what they said. Joseph is working for the Puerto Rican government. According to this person, who says they are Joseph's contact, Joseph went back to Puerto Rico the day he left County Cork…Yes, Sir. I have a ticket for the next flight out." William wanted to ask about his employer, but didn't know if it would be all that appropriate so he held his tongue. "I hope so, too, Sir. For everyone's sake." William ended the call and put his phone back in his pocket.

"So do you know anything about what he was doing here?" he asked the man sitting across from him.

"I know nothing of Joseph's business here. I'm only the go-between. I handed him a brown envelope and gave him the name of his hotel. My superiors are the only ones who know what is in the envelope before Joseph gets it. And if you know anything about Joseph, you know that he says nothing about his job. I've known the man for years. He's the best there is."

"If you've known him for years, how is it that you don't know what his last name is?" William asked causing the man to chuckle.

"Joseph has never had a last name."

"What? How does a man not have a last name?"

"When the man becomes an orphan at too young an age to remember and his records are lost in a fire at the orphanage he was placed in."

William studied the man. "So that's his cover story."

Nodding the man smiled. "Very astute, Mr. Thompson. Some of that story is true, but not all of it. As long as I've known the man, I've never heard his last name used in any setting. I believe that he felt it was much easier to protect himself and those he was working for."

William nodded. "The man is nothing but a walking enigma."

"Very true. Even after all the years I've known him, I still know very little about him."

"I believe there's only one person that really knows him, and she's the reason I have to find him."

"Is she really as ill as I've heard?"

William frowned. "How did you hear?"

"People talk."

Shaking his head, William stood up to leave. "I need to be going. My flight leaves in an hour. Thank you for your help. I really hope he's still in Puerto Rico when I get there, but if he isn't, I'll go wherever I have to go to find him."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: It's just getting messier. At least there's a bit of a reprieve in this chapter in the form of Joe's memory ;-). Thanks for all the lovely reviews!**

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_"__Clarisse, you can't expect me to keep my hands to myself when you're dressed like that." Joseph exclaimed pitifully as he frowned at her._

_Clarisse looked down at the dress she was wearing. "I don't see what has you so itchy fingered tonight. This dress is no different than any other dress you've seen me in over the years," she told him, her smiling eyes giving away the fact that she knew very well that it __**was**__ different._

_"__Don't even try that with me," he growled. "You've never worn a dress with such a low back before."_

_"__So you don't like my dress?" she asked with a smile._

_"__You know better than that. I love the way the dress fits you, and if we were going to be alone, I'd love the fact that when I hold you to dance, my hands will touch your bare back. But…since we aren't going to be alone, and other men will get the same view and advantage…" he stopped and shrugged._

_Clarisse laughed, "Oh Darling. The men will be wearing gloves. Does that make you feel better?"_

_"__A little," he mumbled._

_"__Only a little?" she asked with a smile as she caressed his cheek._

_"__Do you have to dance with every member of Parliament?" he asked before turning his head and pressing a kiss to the soft palm of her hand._

_"__This isn't a state function, Darling, so no…I won't have to dance with them all."_

_"__Good because I don't want Mabrey's hands on you. Gloves or not."_

_"__I don't want his hands on me, either, so we're even." She smiled. "Go on now. I'll be along shortly."_

_"__Will you be able to leave early since this is Mia's party?" he asked as he held her hand._

_"__I'll see what can be arranged," she promised as she cupped his cheek._

_"__See you in a few minutes."_

Joe shook his head to rid himself of the memories that never seemed to leave him now. Ever since that day in County Cork, Clarisse had invaded his every waking moment. He very nearly botched the job he'd taken because of the memories which had caused him to immediately go to his government and quit his job.

Now, he stood in the home his grandmother had left him, staring out at the setting sun. Something he'd been doing for the last two months. He didn't sleep much, he couldn't. Her face was there in more vivid detail each time he closed his eyes. In his dreams he could feel her skin, taste her kisses, smell the scent of her after a shower. Awake, he only had the memories of their times together, so he chose not to sleep until his body could no longer sustain him.

Closing his eyes, he let his head rest against the cool pane of glass. Once again her face appeared, but this time it was contorted in pain, and her voice echoed in his mind.

_"__Help me, Joseph. I need you."_

Joe's eyes jerked open just as her hand was reaching out to him, a knock on his door the reason he'd been pulled from the dream. "Who the hell?" he grumbled as he made his way to the door. Whoever it was, was a very impatient person.

Opening the door, Joe was surprised by who his visitor was. "William?"

"You have to come home. She needs you."

CnJ

"Maman." Pierre whispered as he held his mother's cool hand. They'd found a specialist who could perform the operation to save his mother's life, but so far they couldn't convince the man to do so. He didn't want the life of a queen in his hands. Mia had offered the man everything but the crown and crown jewels, and still he'd refused.

"If only Joe were here," he mumbled, startled when his mother's eyes opened, her lips whispering her lost love's name.

"Joseph."

"Shh." Pierre soothed. "He's busy, Maman. You need to rest."

"Where is your brother?" she asked, her eyes closing, sensitive to the even the dim light that filled the room.

"He's away at school. Remember?" he hated lying, but he had to in this case to protect his sick mother.

"I thought I heard him earlier."

"Just dreaming, Maman."

"Mmm," she hummed then winced.

"Easy. Let me get your doctor. He'll give you something for the pain." Leaning over, Pierre pressed a kiss to her brow, his heart aching for the pain she was in. "I'll be right back, I promise."

Clarisse let go of his hand, clasping the comforter in an effort to keep from crying out. The pain in her head was becoming unbearable. She knew what was wrong, the doctor had explained it all to her. She knew that Pierre was doing everything he could to find someone to help her, but so far he hadn't been successful. At least that's what they'd told her.

"Maman." Pierre whispered as he returned to her side, taking her hand in his once more. "The doctor is here. He's going to give you more pain killer. It'll be okay in a just a little bit."

"Pierre," she whispered as she felt the needle prick her skin.

"What is it, Maman?"

"Joseph? Where is he? He came back to me. Why isn't he here? I need him."

Pierre felt his eyes water as he pressed a kiss to her hand. "He'll be here, Maman. I promise. He'll be here."

"Joseph," she whispered as the drug took hold and she slipped into its induced sleep.

"Dear Father, please! Help her!" Pierre begged as he turned his face upward. Surely the God he had served for all these years would hear him.

"From your lips to God's ears," the doctor whispered. "She's dying, Your Highness. The longer we wait, the less chance she has of surviving the surgery."

"Mia's trying everything in her power to get the specialist to take the case, but he's refusing."

"I understand his hesitation."

"I do, too, but she needs him."

"Only one man has the power needed to convince him," the doctor whispered.

"Yes, but there's one problem." Pierre looked at the man. "We can't find him."

CnJ

"I can't go back. Surely whatever is wrong, her family can take care of it." Joe told William as he turned back into his home.

William sighed, "Her family are doing all that they can."

"Then I don't see the need for me to return."

"She's dying." William told him quietly.

Joe stumbled, his hand reaching out to grip the fireplace mantle. "What did you say?"

"I said, she's dying."

"If so, why haven't I heard anything in the media?"

"The media has only been told that the Queen is suffering from severe headaches. They don't know that they're killing her."

"Explain." Joe commanded.

William sighed as he sat down and looked up at his predecessor. "The day the two of you met in County Cork was when it all started. Something snapped in her that day, and she began to think that I was you. It only got worse from there. Prince Consort Andrew, came to County Cork and she knew him, but not as family. She remembered him from the days when the Royal family and Jacoby family were close. We took her home to Genovia after that."

"And? If she didn't know Andrew, how did you explain Mia?"

"We didn't. Her Majesty is mixed up on a lot of things. Prince Philippe is still alive in her mind. Prince Pierre is still the heir apparent. As far as we know, she believes the Queen is still an infant."

"And King Rupert?"

"Dead."

Joseph frowned. "And she believes that you are me."

"Yes. She kept saying over and over that she never thought I, you, would return. She thought that she had lost you forever."

Joseph closed his eyes. "Dear god," he breathed.

"She has an aneurysm that is slowly leaking into her brain. With each day that passes it grows closer to rupturing. We've found a specialist who can operate, but he's refusing."

"Refusing?" Joe questioned incredulously.

"He doesn't want to have the life of the Dowager Queen in his hands."

"But doesn't he realize that she'll die?"

"He does and the Queen has offered him everything but the crown." William sighed, "Madam keeps asking for Prince Philippe and for you, but that's not why I've come."

"Then why have you?"

"You're the only one that can talk the doctor into operating. We all believe that. You're her only hope."

Joe sighed as he looked out the window, staring out across the grounds of his home. "I shall do what I can."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thank you for all the lovely reviews. I have a feeling I'm going to have to do a bit of ducking with this chapter...**

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Mia looked up from her sleeping son and blinked in surprise. "Joe?"

Joe stared at the woman standing in front of him, then down to the child in the crib. "You have a child?"

"Joey," she whispered.

"Joey?"

"That's his name. Joseph Philippe Renaldi Jacoby."

Walking closer, Joe stared down at his namesake. "How is she?" he whispered as he noticed little things in the baby that reminded him of Philippe.

"Go see for yourself." Mia hissed as she walked away, her anger suddenly front and center.

"Yes, Your Majesty." Joe whispered as he turned and walked away.

"Joe, wait." Mia called, stopping him just as he opened the door.

"Yes?" he asked, not turning to look at her.

Mia walked to him, touching his arm to make him turn. "Please help her," she pleaded, her eyes filling with tears as she wrapped her arms around him. "Please."

Holding Mia close, he let her cry on his shoulder. "I've persuaded the specialist to take the case. He'll be here by the end of the week."

Pulling back, Mia stared at the man that had been her protector for the first few years after she'd learned who she truly was. He wasn't the same. He was distant and cold. "Who are you?" she whispered.

"I'm the man I've always been, Your Majesty."

"No," she shook her head. "You're not my Joe. You've changed."

"Life changes people, Your Majesty." Joe sighed. "If you'll excuse me. I have to go and see your grandmother."

Mia watched him go, tears falling down her cheeks. The two people who had formed the woman she'd become were lost. "And their loss has nothing to do with her being sick or the brick wall he's built around himself."

CnJ

Pierre looked up when the door to his mother's room opened. "Joe," he whispered.

"Your Highness." Joe bowed his head slightly, his eyes focused on Clarisse. "Why isn't she in hospital?"

"We made the decision to keep her here to keep the media from learning the full extent of her illness. Genovia loves Mia as their queen, but news that the Dowager Queen is dying would cause," Pierre shook his head, not continuing.

"Ah, yes." Joe answered coolly. Duty was still ruling her life.

Pierre blinked at the coldness in Joe's tone. This wasn't the man he'd known. "Joe?" he questioned.

"It's nothing, Your Highness. I just came to see her as requested and to inform you that I've successfully arranged for the specialist to take her case. He'll be here by the end of the week."

Pierre watched the man sit in a chair across the room and frowned. He knew that things hadn't gone well between his mother and Joe before Mia's wedding, resulting in the man leaving, but from Joe's actions, it must have been much worse than anyone thought. Had his mother choosing duty over her love for Joe been enough to kill the man's basic emotions?

"I need to go inform her doctor." Pierre stood up, releasing his mother's hand.

"Go ahead." Joe told him, his eyes focused on something outside the window. "I'll be here if she wakes."

Pierre bit his lip, wondering if it was such a good idea to leave the man alone with his mother. "If she does, and asks for Philippe, we've been telling her that he's away at school in America. That always seems to appease her."

Joe nodded. "Anything else?"

"You are the only other person she's been asking for. We've told her you were busy. It always works because she's out of it more often than she's awake."

"Then if she wakes, she'll see that I'm no longer busy."

"She'll see much more than that." Pierre mumbled as he made his way out of the room, still unsure if this was such a good idea.

Joe watched the young man leave, the door closing behind him, then moved to sit beside Clarisse. "Why must duty rule you even in your death?" he whispered as he reached out to caress the hair from her forehead.

Clarisse's eyes fluttered open at the touch, her eyes staring up at the man she'd been longing for. "Joseph," she breathed.

Joe stared down into eyes that were dull grey with pain and glassy from medication, so unlike the vibrant blue that haunted his dreams. "Yes, it's me."

"They kept saying you were busy."

"I have been, Your Majesty."

Blinking to focus her vision better, Clarisse reached for his hand. "What is it?" she whispered. "Are you still angry with me? You know that I had to let Philippe go."

Joe frowned as he tried to understand what she was talking about. "Your Majesty?"

"Why are you calling me that? What happened to calling me Clarisse?"

"I'm sorry, Clarisse." Joe sighed, having difficulty keeping up with where in her memory they were. "I'm not angry with you over Philippe. I understand your reasons."

Biting her lip on a moan she closed her eyes. "My head hurts," she whispered as she reached for his hand. Looking up at him, tears filled her eyes. "I'm dying, Joseph."

"Shh," he soothed as he held her hand. "You aren't going to die. A specialist will be here by week's end. He'll operate and take away your headaches and you'll be as good as new."

Staring into the green eyes that filled her memories, she squeezed his hand. "No. I'll never be good as new. I hurt you. You're not the same." She stopped as the pain in her head increased.

"Clarisse," he tried, but she opened her eyes and stared at him.

"I've lost you forever, haven't I?" she asked before her eyes closed and she drifted back into a restless sleep.

CnJ

Pierre found his niece sitting in the empty throne room staring off at nothing, tears staining her cheeks. "I suppose you've seen Joe," he whispered.

Mia sniffed and nodded. "He isn't my Joe."

"He isn't anyone's Joe, Mia. The man I knew was never cold unless he was dealing with enemies of the crown or Arthur Mabrey."

Mia raised an eyebrow as she looked up at her uncle. "One in the same, aren't they?"

"How well you know that." Pierre nodded. "What really happened, Mia?"

"I don't know, Uncle Pierre. Charlotte has told me that she came in on them dancing and talking. Whatever Grandma said to Joe made him leave in a hurry. She chased after him and tried to explain, but he wouldn't listen." Mia sobbed. "I just don't know. I want it all to go back the way it was. It was my fault."

Pierre pulled his niece up into his arms. "It wasn't your fault, Mia."

Mia clung to her uncle and nodded against his chest. "Yes, it was. I was being so stupid with Nicholas and getting myself caught in all those ridiculous situations. She felt she had no choice but to choose her duty over him."

Pierre rubbed Mia's back. "But he made the decision not to stay and wait for her."

"But don't you see?" Mia asked as she pulled back, wiping at her eyes. "He'd been waiting for her for all of these years. He stood by and waited until she had the chance to choose love, but she didn't take it. She didn't take it because of me. If I hadn't been so stupid, she wouldn't have felt the need to choose her duty over Joe once again."

Pierre sighed, "The doctor has said that she may not remember anything after the surgery. He'll know more once he reviews the tests."

"She may lose her memory?"

"That's a possibility, yes. And then she won't be haunted by what's happened."

Mia sighed as she rested her head back against her uncle's shoulder. "What a damn mess."

"We've done all we can, Mia. It's in God's hands now."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I know you're not sure where I'm going, and some of you don't know what to think about what's happening but...well...just keep reading ;-) . Thank you for all the lovely reviews!**

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Andrew held Mia as she slept against his shoulder, their son cradled against her chest. She had refused to leave him behind at the palace, and he hadn't forced the issue knowing that she needed something to help her keep her mind off of the reason they were sitting in the private waiting area of the hospital.

It had been five hours since the surgery started, and the last report they'd received hadn't been good. They'd lost Clarisse once and were struggling to keep it from happening again. The surgeon was going as fast as he possibly could with such a delicate surgery, but the hours still seemed to be dragging by.

Looking around the room, Andrew noticed one person missing and sighed. No matter how hard any of them tried, Joe just wasn't the same. He was polite, but that was it. At times he was very cold, something that Joe had never been. It made Andrew wonder just what the man had been doing since he left Genovia.

William had told him what he'd learned, but it hadn't been much. All they knew was that Joe was working as some sort of agent for his government, a James Bond sort. Although Andrew suspected that wasn't exactly what it was. Something about the way Joe had been acting, something in his manner, led the younger man to believe his skills as a marksman had come into play.

Hearing Joey whimper, Andrew turned his attention back to his family, gently patting his son's back to settle him again. Smiling tenderly when Mia opened her eyes, he caressed her hair from her face. "Are you hungry?" he asked her quietly, knowing that she hadn't had anything to eat since the two pieces of toast he'd talked her into that morning.

Mia held Joey as she readjusted her position, rotating her head to work out a kink in her neck. "Maybe a sandwich," she whispered as she placed a kiss to her son's head.

"I'll go get it, Your Majesty." Charlotte whispered, rising and quietly leaving the room.

"Do you want me to take him, Mia?" Andrew asked, turning his attention back to his wife.

Mia nodded and carefully transferred Joey to his father's arms. "My arm is asleep."

Andrew chuckled, "I'm sure it is. He's not very light when he's awake, and being asleep only makes him heavier."

Mia smiled as she caressed her baby's cheek. "Thank you for not arguing with me over bringing him. I know I should have left him with the nanny, but," she stopped and shrugged.

"I know you need him here. It's alright."

Pierre broke into their conversation. "I see the doctor headed this way," he informed the couple.

Mia gripped Andrew's hand as she bit her lip. "Please let her be alright," she whispered as they stood to greet the doctor.

"Your Majesty." Dr. Satis bowed slightly.

"How is she?" Mia asked, her voice shaking.

"She's in recovery. The surgery was successful." He twisted his cap in his hands. "We won't know anything about her memory until she wakes up, if she wakes up."

"I thought you said the surgery was successful?" Pierre asked.

"It was, but as you already know, we lost her and had to bring her back. She's slipped into a coma."

Mia closed her eyes, leaning against Andrew as she swallowed to hold it together as she'd been taught to do. "When can I see her?"

"As soon as she's been moved to her room, I'll send a nurse to escort you, Your Majesty."

"Thank you."

"I'm sorry." Dr. Satis whispered as he turned and quietly left.

Mia turned against Andrew, her face buried against his chest. "She has to come out of the coma. She has to."

"God brought her back during surgery, He's still in control." Pierre reminded her quietly even as he prayed for his mother to return to them as she had been.

CnJ

Joe finally found the chance to see Clarisse hours later after Andrew had talked Mia into going home to rest. He nodded at William as he slipped into Clarisse's room. Seeing her hooked up to different machines, pale and unmoving, for the first time he let the wall around him crumble a bit.

Moving to her side, he sat down and lifted her cool hand, pressing a kiss to the soft skin. "Clarisse," he whispered her name. "I'm still here. Now it's you who has left." Lifting his hand, he caressed her face, careful to stay away from the bandages that protected her head. The thought that her hair was mostly gone now made him sigh. He could close his eyes and still feel how the soft curls had felt like silk as they slipped through his fingers. He could still remember the scent of the conditioner she put on her hair to help keep it that soft.

"Mia needs you to wake up, Clarisse. She's beside herself with worry, although only those of us close to her know that. You taught her well how to wear the mask." Joe sighed when there was no response. Sitting back, he watched her chest rise and fall, wondering if she was dreaming or just simply lost in the coma's deep sleep.

If he could see into her mind, he would have had the answer to his question. Only it wasn't a dream Clarisse was having, her mind was remembering their first time.

_"__I think we can leave now, Joseph. I believe they'll have more fun if I'm not here," she whispered as he slowly danced them around the floor._

_Joe nodded. "They're enjoying themselves, Clarisse, but I shall escort you to your suite if you wish."_

_Trying to hide how tired she was, she nodded. "I wish."_

_Joe escorted her from the floor, taking her hand as they entered the foyer and he'd successfully dismissed the guards. Pressing a kiss to her hand, he smiled when she turned and gave him a surprised look. Not saying anything until they were on the stairs, he pondered what words to use to explain himself._

_"__No need, Joseph," she whispered, as if she could read his thoughts. _

_Joe nodded as he opened her door. "Goodnight, Clarisse," he whispered as he bowed to kiss her hand._

_Turning her hand before he could touch the back, she cupped his face and drew it up. "Don't leave," she whispered, suddenly feeling renewed._

_"__Clarisse?" Joe asked as he stared into her brilliant blue eyes._

_"__Stay."_

_Moving into her room and shutting the door behind him, he watched her. "Are you sure?"_

_Swallowing, she nodded. "Sure. Nervous. Excited. Frightened."_

_"__Frightened?" he questioned._

_"__It's been a very long time for me," she admitted quietly._

_Moving to her, Joe wrapped his arms around her. "I don't expect anything, Clarisse. A simple nightcap will be fine. Or maybe even one last dance."_

_Laying her head on his shoulder, Clarisse wrapped her arms around his neck. "One last dance," she whispered._

_Swaying slowly, Joe closed his eyes as the smell of her filled his nostrils. She was temptation in peach satin. His lips brushed against her bare shoulder as he rested his hands on her waist. Gently moving his thumb back and forth against her ribs, he hummed a song that had played earlier that night._

_Clarisse smiled, she loved this song. "Stardust," she whispered._

_"__A song you are very fond of," he answered._

_"__The first song we ever danced to," she reminded him as she looked up into his green eyes._

_"__I remember." He smiled and lifted a hand to caress her hair behind her ear. "You're especially beautiful tonight, Clarisse."_

_"__Joseph," she breathed as she reached out to trace his lips with her finger. "Kiss me."_

_"__Gladly," he answered, his own voice low and husky. Leaning forward and titling his head, he gently touched her lips with his, humming as he got his first taste of the woman he'd dreamed of kissing so many nights down through the years._

_Clarisse gripped his shoulders to balance herself when she felt her knees grow weak. She'd dreamed of his kisses for so long, never daring to hope that she would ever experience the pleasure, and yet here she was, tasting his kiss and it was so much more than she'd dreamed._

_Moving his kisses from her lips, Joe kissed her face then nibbled on her ear. "I want more than kisses," he whispered, his warm breath making her shiver._

_Clarisse pulled back and held out her hand. "So do I."_

Joe sighed as he yawned, wondering how long he'd been sitting here holding Clarisse's hand. Looking out the window, seeing that the sky was black, he realized it had to be at least midnight. Turning his attention back to Clarisse, he closed his eyes and let his thoughts wander to their first time making love. He could still hear the rasp of the zipper as he lowered it exposing the creamy skin the peach satin of her dress had concealed.

_Taking a deep breath as he pushed the dress from her shoulders, Joe felt her tremble as his fingers skimmed her arms. Leaning forward as the dress pooled around her feet, he pressed a kiss to her neck. She smelled wonderful. Tasted delicious. Felt divine. Everything he'd ever dreamed and more._

_Clarisse turned in his arms, her trembling hands reaching out to push his jacket from his shoulders. Smiling when the jacket got stuck on his forearms, she nudged him. "You'll have to let me go if we're going to get this jacket off," she whispered._

_"__If I let you go, this won't end, will it?" he asked as he stared into her darkened blue eyes._

_"__No. It won't end," she assured with a breathtaking smile._

_Releasing his hold, he let her push the jacket the rest of the way off, then helped her with his shirt. Moaning when her gentle hands caressed his chest, he reached up to trace the lacey edge of her strapless bra. "Almost the same color as your skin," he whispered._

_Clarisse felt her face grow warm with the blush that tinged her cheeks. She couldn't look at him when his hands moved around behind her to release the clasp of the lacey garment, instead she looked at her hands that now rested on his shoulders. It had been so long since a man had seen her this way, and she felt a bit self-conscious._

_Joe let the lace fall to the floor and took his fill of the sight of her bare breasts. All that was left was her garter, silk stockings, and the matching lace panties, but he paused before removing them, wanting to make sure she was okay. "Clarisse," he said her name softly._

_Looking up at him, she saw his smile. "It's been so long."_

_"__You're beautiful, more than I'd dreamed."_

_"__Joseph," she sighed and shook her head._

_Cupping a breast in his hand, he kneaded the soft flesh gently. Letting his thumb move back and forth over the taut nipple, he smiled when she caught her breath. _

_Gathering herself together, Clarisse reached out to unbuckle his belt. Watching his face as she unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, she smiled at his reaction when she drew a fingernail along the edge of his black briefs._

_Shaking his head at her, Joe toed off his shoes then bent to pull of his socks as he stepped out of his pants. "Now we're almost even."_

_"__Almost even?" she questioned._

_Joe smiled at her as he backed her to the bed, gently bumping her legs against it so that she sat down. Lifting one of her legs, he looked up at her as he carefully unfastened one of the lace straps that held up the silk covering her legs. "These feel nice, but they're in the way."_

_Clarisse swallowed as she watched him finish unfastening her stocking from the garter straps then slowly roll it down her leg and off her foot. "Oh," she breathed when he kissed her instep._

_Giving her a heated look, Joe repeated the action with the other stocking. Tossing the silk over his shoulder, he leaned over Clarisse, guiding her back onto the mattress. Holding her gaze for a moment, he gave her a wink then dipped his head, taking a taut nipple into his mouth._

_"__Joseph," her breath caught as she arched into him, her hand coming up to cradle the back of his head, holding him to her._

_Joe could feel her trembling as he continued his ministrations. Slipping his hand down her ribs, he traced the band of her lace panties before slipping inside, his fingers touching her sensitive flesh garnering a moan from her lips._

_Clarisse whimpered and turned her head to the side, her eyes closed as she focused on what his gentle touch was doing to her body. It had never been like this with Rupert. Because he knew that she didn't love him, he'd never really taken the time to make sure she received more than the requisite pleasure required to fulfill their duty. Fisting her hands in the comforter beneath her, she felt her body responding more and more to the sensations._

_"__That's it, Clarisse." Joe whispered in her ear. "Let it happen," he breathed as her body stiffened and arched off the bed._

_Heart pounding in her ears, muscles quivering, Clarisse's eyes fluttered open. "Oh my," her voice was breathy._

_"__Beautiful." Joe told her as he removed the last barriers to their bodies before settling his lower body in the cradle provided by her open thighs._

_"__Oh Joseph." Clarisse smiled, reaching up to caress his face. "Make love to me. Show me what it's supposed to be like."_

_"__Gladly," he whispered as he slid carefully into her welcoming warmth._

_Taking his hands when he offered them, she gripped them tightly as her body adjusted to his. She felt so complete that tears slowly slipped from beneath her closed eyes._

_"__Clarisse?" Joe questioned, afraid that he might have hurt her._

_Opening her eyes, she gave him a brilliant smile. "For the first time in my life I feel whole," she answered him quietly. "I love you."_

_Bending down to kiss her, he paused before touching her lips. "And I love you, my Clarisse."_


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Thank you for the lovely reviews. This is the last completed chapter I have so the next one might take a while to be posted. I'll try not to make you wait too long ;)**

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Two weeks later, Clarisse opened her eyes, staring into the eyes of her son. "Pierre?" she whispered.

"Yes, Maman. It's Pierre." Smiling, he caressed her face. "Welcome back."

"Back?" she asked then cleared her throat.

"Here," Pierre offered her an ice chip.

Clarisse sighed as the ice melted and soothed her throat. "I don't understand."

"Maman, you're in hospital. You've been here for two weeks." Giving her another ice chip, Pierre waited for her response.

"Two weeks? Why would I have been here for two weeks? Joseph is the one that was hurt."

Pierre frowned. "Maman?" he asked, confused as to where in her memories she was. Wracking his brain, he went back over the years, finally realizing where she was. "He's fine, Maman. They wanted to keep you because of the headaches you've been having." He made the last part up, hoping she'd believe him.

"My head aches a bit, but not like it was. I'm glad those horrendous headaches are gone." She closed her eyes. "Can I see Joseph?"

"I'll send him in."

"Thank you."

Pierre kissed her forehead then made his way from the room, dreading having to face his niece. How was he going to tell her that her beloved grandma was still lost in her memories?

"Uncle Pierre? Is she awake?" Mia asked as she rounded the corner.

"Yes, she is, but,"

Mia felt her heart break. "But?"

"She's still lost, Mia."

"But Queen's don't get lost," she whispered as she stumbled back into Andrew.

Pierre watched his niece as she struggled to be the woman and queen that she was and not the little girl she wanted to be. "I'm sorry, Mia."

"Which means I can't see her."

"I'm afraid not."

Biting her lip, she closed her eyes and gripped Andrew's hand. "Take me home," she told him quietly. "I need to see my baby."

Pierre could see his niece's façade beginning to crumble and nodded to Andrew as he gently turned Mia around and led her down the hall. "Why Father?" he whispered as he looked up. "Why?"

CnJ

"She knows her name. She knows you are her son. She knows that she lives in Genovia, and she remembers Joseph."

"But?" Pierre asked.

"But she doesn't remember that she's the dowager queen. Nor does she remember King Rupert or Prince Philippe. She knows nothing of the Queen. And," Dr. Satis paused, wondering if he should continue.

"What is it?"

"She believes that she and Joseph are together."

"What?" Pierre asked, clearly confused. "But when she woke, she asked about Joe. She thought he'd been hurt protecting her, something that happened years ago."

"I explained that the surgery could affect her memory. She seems to be confused about things and other things seem to be completely missing. I'm sorry."

"Will those things come back?"

"I can't answer that, Your Highness."

Pierre sighed and squeezed the bridge of his nose. "Now what do we do?"

"Let this take its course. We can't try to convince her that things aren't as she thinks they are. So, for the time being, her visitors are limited to you and Joseph. If she asks for someone, that person can be added to the list of those that she can see."

"What about when she's released to go home? Where do we take her?"

"Not the Palace is all I can tell you, as I know nothing about her life before marrying into the royal family."

Pierre sighed, "Thank you, Dr. Satis."

"I'm sorry there isn't more that can be done."

"I understand. You've done what you could, and believe me, I'm thankful. My mother would be dead if you hadn't come in. It's just hard to see her this way."

CnJ

"I miss her, Andrew." Mia sniffed as she curled up in his lap, her head resting on his shoulder.

Andrew rubbed his wife's back, his heart breaking for the pain he could hear in her voice. "I know you do, Mia. I'm sorry," he told her gently, wishing there was something he could do to ease the pain his wife was in.

Holding Andrew's hand, Mia closed her eyes. "I wish I could go back to being just a kid. Then she would be okay."

"But you can't." Andrew kissed her head. "You're going to have to concentrate on what to tell the public about Grandmother. And you have some big meetings coming up that are going to take all of your concentration."

"I know. Charlotte and Sebastian have both been working on the press release on Grandma's condition. Sebastian has been picking up a lot of my meetings the last few weeks, and has been preparing to help me with these next two big ones. But," she sighed. "I'll do my job just like Grandma taught me. Duty comes first."

"Unfortunately for royals, it does." Andrew agreed and held her closer. "Do you think Joe will go along with Pierre's plan?"

"He has to. There's nothing else he can do. For her sake, he must get over everything. She believes they're together. Uncle Pierre isn't sure who she thinks his father is, but he's leaning toward her thinking that it's Joe. She doesn't remember Dad, Grandpa, being Queen, none of it."

"But I thought Pierre said she remembered a time when Joe was shot protecting her."

"She did. That's why this is all so confusing. They're not going to try and make too much sense of what's going on with her memory for at least a week. Give her time to heal some and get settled in her parent's old estate."

"Has the place been kept up?"

Mia nodded. "Yes. Grandma kept a staff there. I guess, unbeknownst to anyone but Joe, she used it as a place to escape from Grandpa when things would get a bit crazy at the beginning of their reign as King and Queen. Then later, after she lost Grandpa and Dad so close together, she used it as a place to grieve without worrying about being the ever proper queen."

Andrew nodded. "Security?"

"Joe and William will be all she needs. Joe made sure that the estate had all the latest security features over the years. It has a security gate that has to have a pass code, along with a keycard, which will help keep out the media and other intruders. And Uncle Pierre will be staying there too, so she'll be in good hands."

"I wish there was some way we could let her see Joey."

"I know. I've been trying to think of some way for that to happen, but it's so complicated. What happens when she questions who he is? What happens…" she stopped and shook her head.

"Maybe Pierre can help us come up with something."

"Maybe," she sighed and closed her eyes. "I'm so tired, Andrew."

"Then why don't you go lay down and rest. I'll wake you for dinner."

"I really shouldn't. I have so much work to do."

"But what good will it do if you get sick from being overly tired? I think your work can wait. I'll help you catch up tomorrow."

Nodding, she stood up. "Thank you." Leaning over, she kissed him and caressed his cheek. "I love you, Andrew. Thank you for taking such good care of me these last few weeks."

"It's all a part of my job, Darling. A job I do gladly." Andrew smiled at her. "Go on now."

Mia nodded and walked slowly from the room, her shoes forgotten by the sofa.

Andrew shook his head as he noticed her shoes. It had been a long time since she'd left her shoes behind, a habit she'd had when they'd first met and married. This was testing her to her limits, and yet he could see her growing with each passing day. Two years ago she wouldn't have been able to handle this situation without cracking. "Grandmother would be so very proud of you," he whispered as he stood up to go check on their son. Suddenly he had the urge to just sit and watch the boy sleep. That seemed to be the only peace left in their world these days.

CnJ

"You'll be able to go home soon, Maman." Pierre smiled at his mother.

"Thank goodness," she sighed. "This bed is very uncomfortable." She smiled and squeezed Pierre's hand. "Where's your father?"

Pierre blinked. "Father?"

Clarisse gave him a quizzical look. "Yes. You know. Tall. Wears black. Has a goatee. Bald. Has an earring."

"Yes, I know." Pierre forced a laugh. "I was just testing you."

"Pierre," she scolded with a smile. "So? Where is he?"

"He's at home. He had some business to attend to. He'll be here later this afternoon."

"Oh," she sighed and looked away.

"Now, Maman." Pierre tugged at her hand. "He just wants to make sure everything is taken care of so that he can devote all of his attention to you once you are released to go home. That's all."

Looking at her son, Clarisse studied him, knowing he was hiding something from her. "Are you sure? He seems to be," she bit her lip. "He seems to be distant. I know that I hurt him and caused him to leave, but I thought when I woke up and he was there…I thought he'd forgiven me," her voice was quiet.

"Oh Maman." Pierre sighed. "You have to give him time. He was hurt very deeply, but he's here. He's going to take care of you. He came back because you needed him. Maybe this time together is just what the two of you need to fix things."

"I hope so." She clasped Pierre's hand with both of hers. "I can't lose him again, Pierre. I just can't." Her eyes filled with tears.

"Shh." Pierre soothed as he reached up and caressed her cheek. "I'll do what I can to help."

"Thank you."

"Now," he started and wiped a tear that had escaped. "close those beautiful blue eyes and rest. I'm going to go get myself something to eat and make a few phone calls. I'm sure he'll be here when you wake from your nap."

Closing her eyes, she sniffed and settled into her pillows. "I love you," she whispered as she drifted off.

"I love you," he whispered back. Shaking his head as he stood and walked from her room, Pierre leaned against the closed door. "What a mess," he sighed.

"What's wrong?" Joe asked as he came around the corner, startling the younger man.

"Joe."

"Sorry, Pierre."

"It's alright."

"Has something happened?"

"It's just hard  
adjusting to her being this way." Pierre looked at Joe. "She asked me where my father was. I forgot for a moment, and questioned her. She gave me a funny look and started describing my father…she was describing you."

"I suppose we should have expected that."

Pierre nodded. "I suppose we should've, but it still didn't make it any less startling."

"I'm sure."

Pierre yawned. "It everything ready at the estate?"

"Yes. William is getting acquainted with the grounds and house so that it seems as though that's where we've always been."

"And have you figured out how to explain the need for security?"

"Not really. I thought we'd just play it by ear. If she asks, I'll think of something then. I'm hoping that will be something she knows and doesn't question."

"The last time she saw William, she thought he was you." Pierre reminded.

"I know, but that was before the surgery." Joe leaned against the wall with a sigh. "A lot of this we're going to just have to play by ear. I don't like this situation. Lying to her and living this make-believe life, but until things change with her memory," he shrugged.

Pierre studied the man standing next to him. "She hurt you more than any of us realize," he whispered. "I'm sorry, Joe."

"It is what it is, Pierre. She was hurt too." Pushing off the wall, he walked around the young man to the door. "Maybe her hurt is why she's living in this dream world now."

Pierre pushed away from the door. "I don't know. If that was so, why does she remember hurting you?"

"But has she said how she hurt me?"

"Not really. All she has said is that she knows she hurt you and caused you to leave."

"But it may not be the same way in which it actually happened." Joe whispered.

"Maybe not." Pierre agreed as he rested his hand on the older man's arm. "Joe, I told her you were home getting things with work taken care of so that you can spend your time taking care of her once she's released to go home. She's afraid you're going to leave again. I told her to give you time."

Joe nodded as he forced himself into the role he was playing and walked into Clarisse's room, smiling when her eyes fluttered open at the sound of the door closing behind him.

CnJ

"Hello," she whispered as she watched him cross the room.

"Hello," he returned the greeting. "Pierre told me you were taking a nap."

She sighed and shrugged. "I drifted off, but," she bit her lip. "I was worried."

"Worried? About what?" he asked as he sat down in the chair beside her bed.

Looking over at him, her blue eyes filled with sadness, she answered his question in a quiet voice. "I was worried that you wouldn't come back."

"Pierre told you that I was taking care of things to make sure I had time to spend with you once you come home."

"Joseph, I," she bit her lip again, hoping to stop it from trembling. "I know what I did hurt you, but,"

"Clarisse," he interrupted her and held up his hand. "Now is not the time to worry about that. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

"Until I'm better," she whispered and slowly turned her head away from him, her tears rolling hotly down her cheeks.

Joe sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face. "Clarisse, please," he pleaded softly with her. "We'll talk about all of this when you're home and have had time to heal a bit."

Wiping at her nose with the back of her hand, she sniffed. "Okay."

Getting up, Joe walked over to her, handing her his handkerchief out of years of habit, not thinking about the action. Hearing her sob, he realized what he'd done and sighed again. Evidently she remembered how this habit had gotten started.

_"__Clarisse," he whispered, his snow white handkerchief dangling out of his fingers for her to use. _

_"__I can't," she returned in a whisper just before she began to cough again, blood covering her hand._

_Grinding his teeth, Joe took her hand and wiped the blood from it. "Damn it, Clarisse. What the hell are you trying to do? If something happens to you, you do realize it's my head hanging from a pike in front of the palace, right?"_

_"__Don't yell at me," she tried to yell back but only started coughing again, blood staining the white handkerchief she now held._

_Rolling his eyes, Joe growled in frustration as he scooped her up and rushed toward the palace. As he drew closer, he could see other guards coming toward him. "Gerard, call Dr. Paxon. Tell him the queen is ill," he told the older guard before turning to the younger one. "Go find the king. Tell him it's an emergency, but don't tell him what. Just tell him that I sent you. There's no need for the whole of Parliament to learn what's going on." Finished with his orders, he rushed inside and up the stairs, heading for the queen's suite of rooms._

_How the hell had she gotten this bad without him noticing? He was just going through the open doors of her suite when he heard the king behind him._

_"__Joseph! What's going on?" he bellowed._

_Laying his precious burden down on her bed, he turned to face the king. Not bothering to bow, he moved so the man could see his wife. "Her Majesty is very ill. I believe she has pneumonia."_

_Frowning and shaking his head as he studied his wife, Rupert sighed, "How did you not notice?" he demanded._

_"__I was with Your Majesty in Greece for the last two weeks. Reggie has been her guard in that time." Joe sighed, "You know how she is. You know that if you aren't accustomed to being with her day after day, you don't know when she's hiding something. Reggie wouldn't have had a clue she was getting sick."_

_Rupert nodded and squeezed Joe's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Joe. I shouldn't have thrown blame your way. I do know how she is. Damn her. What was she thinking letting herself get this sick?"_

_"__You know why." Joe whispered._

_"__The baby." Rupert barely breathed. "I knew she was handling that much too well." Turning to look at Joe, he studied his friend's face. "That's why you didn't want to leave her and go with me to Greece."_

_Joe nodded. "It is."_

_"__Your Majesty? Joe? What is going on?" Dr. Paxon asked as he rushed into the room, immediately going to Clarisse's side._

_"__Joe will fill you in. He was with her."_

_Dr. Paxon nodded, continuing his work. "Tell me, Joe."_

_"__I found her out in the gardens. She began coughing and when I handed her my handkerchief she refused," he sighed. "You can see why," he told the doctor, drawing the man's attention to the blood stained white handkerchief in the queen's delicate hand._

_"__Pneumonia," the doctor breathed, his face showing his concern as he listened to her lungs. Turning to face his king, he looked up at him. "We have to get her to the hospital, Your Majesty."_

_Rupert nodded. "Do what you must."_

It had taken nearly three weeks for Clarisse to recover enough to be allowed to go home and that was only after the doctor's insistence that she have a nurse there as a precaution, much to Clarisse's chagrin. Closing his eyes, he remembered the heart breaking cries that had echoed about the private wing of the hospital reserved for the royal family. No one had ever spoken of the dreams that had plagued the sick queen during her hospital stay, Rupert had forbad it. The dreams had been about the baby that had been lost. The longed for little girl that the Queen had dreamed of, had come four months too early and died in her mother's arms. The doctors tried to save her, but she was just too little, too underdeveloped. The Queen had put on a brave face, telling her husband and the people of her country that she was okay. But she hadn't been, and none of them had realized until she'd been so sick she was near death.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking," he whispered.

"She would have been thirty today, Joseph."

"Yes, she would have. I didn't forget."

She reached out, taking his hand in hers. "I know. You never have. Although with the way things have been, I would have understood if you had."

Shaking his head, he squeezed her hand. "No matter what's going on, I'll never forget."

"Joseph?" she whispered as she looked up at him.

"What is it?" he asked, holding her gaze.

Blinking at what she didn't see in his eyes, she let go of his hand. "When can I go home?" she asked instead of what she'd intended.

Joe sighed, he shouldn't have held her gaze so long. Even if she was confused, she'd seen what he'd been trying to hide. "The doctor said maybe tomorrow."

She nodded. "Good. I'm tired of this uncomfortable bed."

"You've never been one who liked the hospital beds." He shook his head. "Even if this is the most comfortable they have."

"I just don't like hospitals, I suppose. Too many bad things have happened here."

"Good things too, Clarisse."

Laying her head back against her pillows, she sighed, "Yes. Good things too."


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Short chapter, but at least it's a chapter and I've not left you hanging too long ;) . I'm still not sure where Joe and Clarisse are leading me with this. They don't seem to be co-operating with me for a happy ending at the moment. We shall see... Thank you for the reviews!**

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"Uncle Pierre?"

"Yes?" Pierre answered as he looked at the sad face of his niece.

"She's never going to remember, is she?"

Pierre pulled his niece into a hug. "I don't know, Mia." He smiled lovingly at her when she pulled back. "I am beginning to doubt the doctor's advice not to tell Maman the truth. I think if we told her, it might actually help."

"Do you think maybe she just doesn't want to remember because it hurts too much?"

"I honestly have no idea, Mia. She's hurting now because there's so much distance between her and Joe, even though he's trying desperately to pretend he's her husband and that things are alright between them."

"But," Mia bit her lip. "But he's not the same Joe that she knew. He's colder, emotionless."

"Not emotionless, Mia. I've seen it in his eyes. There's still emotion there, but it haunts him."

Mia sighed, "Just like it's haunting her." A tear rolled down her cheek. "There's a new baby coming, Uncle Pierre, and I want my Grandma to know, to celebrate the good news with us. She loved Joey so much and came home for his birth even though it hurt her to be here."

"Congratulations, Mia."

"Thanks," she whispered. "I think this time the baby will be a girl. Grandma would be so happy about that."

Pierre nodded. "Yes, she would. She would see it as a second chance to make up for all the years she missed with you."

"I want Grandma to," she stopped on a broken sob. "I want her to give my little girl Princess lessons and teach her all the things I still haven't learned very well."

Gripping his niece's shoulders gently, Pierre smiled tenderly at her when she looked up at him. "I'm praying, Mia, and you have to remember to keep praying too. I'll do what I can. I'm going to have a talk with Joe this afternoon about telling Maman the truth."

"Just be careful. I don't want her to have a setback."

"I promise. We'll be careful. Or I'll be careful. I'm not sure Joe will go along with it."

"I think he will. I know he doesn't like pretending to be something he's not."

"I think you're right."

CnJ

"Joseph?" Clarisse said his name in a barely there whisper.

"What is it?"

"Why are you and Pierre lying to me?"

Joe blinked in surprise. "What do you mean?"

"We don't live here."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it doesn't look like the place in the dreams I have." She turned and stared out the windows. "The gardens are wrong. There is supposed to be a maze."

"Clarisse," he started, stopping when she shook her head.

"I've seen a ballroom filled with people staring up at a young woman. That ballroom isn't the one here, it's much larger."

Sighing, he sat heavily in the chair behind him. "You're right, Clarisse. We don't live here."

"Where do we live?" she asked.

"You live in the Palace with your granddaughter, the Queen."

She blinked. "I don't understand. Philippe's daughter is a baby. And Queen?"

"You and I aren't married, Clarisse. We never have been. Pierre isn't my son. Philippe isn't my son. You are the Dowager Queen of Genovia. Pierre abdicated for the Church."

"Philippe? Why won't you speak of him?"

Looking down at his hands, he sighed, wishing he didn't have to tell her this part. "Six months after Rupert, the King, died, Philippe was involved in a automobile accident. He didn't survive. That was eight years ago."

Clarisse closed her eyes, tears rolling down her cheeks, an ache beginning in her head. "All of this explains why you've been so distant. Why you won't share my bed." Opening her eyes, she stared at him. "What did I do to you?"

"None of it matters now, Clarisse. What happened between us in the past is inconsequential. What's important now is that you know the truth, even if you don't remember. There's a young woman that misses her grandmother, and a young man that doesn't quite understand why he can't see his beloved Nana."

"How old is he?"

"Who? Joey?"

"Joey?" she questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"That's what they call him. His name is Joseph Philippe Renaldi Jacoby. And since he's a baby, they call him Joey."

"And he loves me?"

"He's quite fond of you I've been told."

"How old is he?" she asked again.

"Two."

"I want to see him."

"Are you sure?" Joe asked.

"I may not remember him, but if I don't see him, he'll forget me."

"I assure you, Mia won't allow that to happen."

"What does she look like?"

"Dark brown hair, brown eyes like her father. She reminds me of you when you were younger. She's grown into a very graceful and poised young woman. Your Princess Lessons paid off."

"May I see Joey today?" Clarisse asked.

"I'll call Mia and see what she says. I'm sure it won't be a problem."

Holding Joe's gaze, Clarisse repeated an earlier question, "What did I do to you?"

Joe sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose as he looked away. "You chose your duty over me and our love. I wasn't enough, our love wasn't enough."

Clarisse could hear the bitterness in his voice and looked down at her hands. "Duty has always ruled my life and taken away the things I love most," she spoke so quietly he nearly didn't hear her.

Surprised that she'd remember that bit of her life when she didn't remember being Queen, Joe shook his head, giving up trying to understand what was going on with her mind. "It's in the past, Clarisse," he told her.

"Is it?" she asked. "You aren't the man I used to know. I may not remember things correctly, but I remember the man you were." She swallowed and tried to control the tears that threatened but failed. "I did this to you."

"Clarisse, until you can remember what happened, there's no need to feel this way about yourself. The you that you are now, did nothing to me. As I said, it's all in the past. Leave it there." Joe stood and made his way out of the room, calling over his shoulder, "I'm going to call Mia and ask about Joey. Then I'll discuss moving you back to the Palace with Pierre."

The coldness in his tone nearly ripped Clarisse's heart out. She may not remember what had happened, but she remembered her love for him. A love that was the only thing constant in her life right now.

But did he still love her?

Was his love buried beneath all the hurt and bitterness?

Or had it died somewhere along the way?


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait but well...these two have been fighting me while my other fandom characters have been playing nice (well, some of them anyway).**

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"Nana?" Joey asked as he toddled over to where his grandmother sat watching him.

"Yes." Clarisse whispered as she nodded her head, tears filling her eyes when the tot attempted to climb up onto her lap. "Here, let Nana help."

Mia watched as Joey snuggled close to Clarisse and her eyes filled with tears. "Oh Andrew," she sniffed.

Andrew handed her his handkerchief. "He's happy now."

"I'm so glad we don't have to keep him from her anymore. I just wish," Mia paused and swallowed to keep her voice from cracking.

"I know you do."

Clarisse looked up and over at her granddaughter. "Come sit with me?" she asked as she held out a hand.

Mia smiled and nodded as she walked over and took her outstretched hand. "He's very happy to see you."

"I can tell." Clarisse smiled as she pressed a kiss to Joey's head. "He's fallen asleep."

"It's his nap time and he's happy. Would you like Andrew to take him?"

"No. He's fine here."

Mia nodded. "When he gets too heavy, let me know."

"I will." Clarisse caressed Joey's back. "Tell me about you."

Smiling at Andrew when he nodded and left the room, Mia turned back to her grandmother and started trying to tell her what she wanted to know. "I didn't like you very much when I first met you." She smiled when Clarisse looked at her in surprise. "I didn't. You came into my life and turned it upside down. You told me a truth that had been kept from me my whole life and I wasn't very happy about being lied to. While I wasn't overly fond of princess lessons, it did give me a chance to sort of get to know you. That day that you went with me to sightsee," she laughed and shook her head. "I think that's when I started to love you. I was clumsy, and back then you were never really sure if I could do this job. I wanted so much to please you. That's all I've wanted all these years."

"From what Pierre has told me, I was very proud of you and the woman you've become."

"You always said you were. And I always believed you because you never lie." Mia smiled. "That little man loves you very much."

"He's a sweetie." Clarisse kissed Joey's head. "You named him after Joseph and your father."

"We did. I asked you if it would be alright. I didn't want to hurt you." Mia looked away. "But the Joe I knew," she shook her head. "He's gone."

"That's my fault, and I'm sorry, Mia."

"You can't be sorry for something you don't remember, Grandma. And it's as much my fault as it is anyone's." Mia shrugged. "But let's forget about that. Uncle Pierre said you were going to move back home. Are you?"

"If you'll let me."

Mia frowned. "Let you? Grandma, it was your home before it was mine. I don't need to let you."

"You're the reigning queen."

"That doesn't matter." Mia smiled as she reached out and laid her hand on her grandmother's arm. "I want you there. I miss you."

"Even though I'm all mixed up in my memories?"

"Yes."

"I remembered a party. You were the girl on the balcony in a red dress."

"That was my twenty-first birthday party." Mia told her. "I came out onto the balcony after you raised a toast to me and as I was waving my bracelet flew off my wrist."

Clarisse chuckled, "Hmm. Seems like you're clumsy like I was."

"Not so much anymore. I finally grew out of it." Mia smiled. "The only time I remember you saying you were clumsy was when you told me about sending a spear into the suckling pig at some dinner."

"Well, there was that. But, the first few times I danced with Rupert, I stepped on his toes a few times."

"You?" Mia asked a bit shocked. "But you're the best dancer I know."

"I wasn't always. I'd had dance lessons from the time I started school until I graduated, but when I was nervous, I was clumsy. Lessons or no lessons, I couldn't get my feet to do what they were supposed to. Your grandfather wasn't exactly pleased with me."

"I should go and let you rest."

"You don't have to go."

"I promised Uncle Pierre I wouldn't stay too long."

"Promise you'll come back?"

"I wouldn't dream of staying away. Besides, you'll need help getting ready to move." Mia leaned over and kissed Clarisse's cheek. "Maybe by talking to me, you can get more of your memories back."

"Or at least untangle the ones I have."

Mia nodded then bit her lip as she studied her hands. "Before I go, there's something I need to tell you."

"Yes?" Clarisse asked as she studied her granddaughter.

"I'm going to have another baby."

"Oh Mia." Clarisse smiled and reached out to squeeze the young woman's hand. "That's wonderful, Darling."

Mia looked up at her grandmother and gave her a wobbly sort of smile. "It's another reason why I'm glad you're moving back home. I hope it's a girl so you can teach her like you taught me."

"I'll do my best."

"That's all I ask. Just you being here with us will be more than enough, Grandma." Mia sighed as she stood and gently lifted Joey into her arms. "He's getting almost too big for me to carry."

"In your condition you probably shouldn't be carrying him." Clarisse smiled at her. "Have Andrew do it."

"I promise to hand him over as soon as I go out to where Andrew is."

"Good."

"Things will be okay, Grandma. When you move back home, that will help your memories even more, I'm sure of it."

"I hope so, Mia. I hope so."

CnJ

Joe stared out at the ducks floating along on the small pond at the back of Clarisse's family home. He'd seen Andrew and Mia leaving, but hadn't made a move to go back to the house. Now that Clarisse would be moving back to the Palace, he didn't see much need for him to still be here.

"It's not as if she still needs me to pretend to be her husband," he mumbled.

"But she still needs you."

Joe turned to see Pierre and shook his head. "No, Your Highness, she doesn't."

"Oh cut the formality, Joe." Pierre growled. "She hurt you, I understand that, but this is," he shook his head. "This isn't like you."

"I'm not the man you knew. A broken heart can change a man. Duty. Always damned duty."

"You knew that when you fell in love with her."

"I thought she had changed." Joe shook his head. "There was more to it than just being in love, Pierre. We had a relationship. We were more than friends."

"Oh." Pierre whispered. He hadn't realized his mother's relationship with Joe had gone that far.

"Yes, oh. I was tired of having to sneak around to be with her. I wanted to be able to openly show my affection. And we could have. Mia was ready, but Clarisse couldn't let go."

"But what's made you change so? Mia hasn't done anything to you."

"Pierre, I've spent the last few years of my life as a sniper for my country's government. Emotion lends itself to death. And I know that Mia hasn't done anything to me. I can't be the man I was. That man died the day I walked out of the palace."


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Sorry for the long delay. We'll blame it on the fact that I'm writing/posting three other stories besides this one. Thank you for the reviews!**

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Clarisse sighed as she made her way to Mia's office. It had been two months since she had moved back to the palace, and while most of her memories had returned, there were still some things that were fuzzy or completely mixed up.

Her memories of what had happened between she and Joseph were some of the more vivid memories, none of which were scrambled or missing. She remembered every line of pain etched on his face that night he'd walked out, every tear she'd shed as she read his letter of resignation.

But those weren't the only things.

She remembered the good times too.

The laughter he'd brought into her life after the deaths of Rupert and Philippe, the color. He'd given her so much of himself, and yet, she'd held back. She'd used duty to keep them apart. She'd been afraid, and had hurt the one man that had always loved her for herself.

Joseph had left again and no one knew where he'd gone. She'd go after him if she could, but Mia was having difficulties with her pregnancy and Clarisse just couldn't leave. Pierre had assured her that he would do whatever he could to find Joseph, but he couldn't stay away from the church forever. He had duties he needed to return to, although he had said that he wasn't going to return until after the baby was born and everything was settled once again.

Opening the door to the office, she laughed slightly at the sight that greeted her. Walking quietly over to the desk, she caressed Mia's hair from her face. "Amelia," she whispered. "Come on, Darling. Wake up."

Mia stirred and opened her eyes, sitting up and frowning as she pulled a piece of paper off her face. "Grandma?"

"Yes, Mia. You fell asleep."

"Oh." Mia rolled her eyes. "This is ridiculous."

"It's part of being pregnant, Darling."

"I wasn't like this with Joey." Mia scowled. "I have a crick in my neck now."

Tenderly rubbing Mia's neck, Clarisse kissed the top of her head. "No pregnancy is the same. I was sick the entire time I was carrying Pierre. With Philippe," she shook her head. "Nothing. Not even morning sickness. My feet didn't swell until two days before I gave birth."

"I've read that being pregnant with a girl makes you sicker."

"I've heard that. But I've also heard that you carry a girl high." Clarisse shook her head. "I carried Pierre high. Your grandfather was very unhappy with me until the day the baby was born and turned out to be a boy. The next time, he didn't go by the old tales." Caressing Mia's cheek, she smiled. "Why don't you go lay down in your bed and finish your nap, hmm? Let Grandma play Queen for a while."

"But I have a meeting with Sebastian at three."

"And I'll make sure to have Andrew wake you in plenty of time for you to get ready for the meeting. Now go on."

Mia covered a yawn and sighed, "Okay. I give." Standing, she scowled down at her shoes. "I'm not putting those back on."

Clarisse laughed slightly. "I think it will be alright if you walk stocking footed to your suite. I'm sure Shades won't mind."

"Oh Grandma." Mia chuckled and hugged her. "Thank you. I'm glad you're here to take care of me."

"So am I, Mia. Now go on." Clarisse patted her back and gently nudged her toward the door. Settling in the chair behind the desk, she laughed when she kicked a shoe.

Mia came back into the room a few moments later, a sheepish look on her face. "Oops," she murmured when she noticed Clarisse holding her shoes, an eyebrow arched, her lips turned up in a smile.

Handing the shoes to her granddaughter, Clarisse shook her head as she chuckled, "Maybe I should take the meeting with Sebastian."

Mia shook her head. "No. A nap will help me get my brain back." She frowned as something dawned on her. "I've got baby brain."

Clarisse laughed full out at that. "Yes, Darling, I believe you do."

CnJ

"Joe, this is ridiculous." Pierre scowled. "You can't keep just disappearing."

Joe frowned over at the younger man. "I don't think I disappeared. You found me."

"Because I know you." Pierre held his gaze. "Somewhere deep inside you still love my mother. Running away from her, isn't going to help. Come back. Talk to her."

"And what good would that do?"

"She remembers, Joe. Some things are still a bit mixed up, but not her memories of you. Every moment the two of you have spent together has come back to her. She told me her memories of you are her clearest. She's hurting over what she did, Joe, but you left so she can't fix it."

"She can't fix me, Pierre. I told you. I'm not the man I was when I left." Joe turned and looked out over the lake.

"Some part of you must be." Pierre told him. "You didn't leave Genovia this time. You came to a place you had to know I'd look for you." Walking closer to the man who had been like a father to him, Pierre placed his hand on Joe's arm. "Please, Joe. Even if things never go back the way they were, won't you come home and at least let her try to repair your friendship?"

"Let me have some more time, Pierre. I need time to try and fix myself before I can begin to even think about anything else."

Pierre nodded, knowing that was all he was going to get. "Fine then. I'll go back home. I won't tell Maman where you are, but I am going to tell her that I found you and talked with you."

"Just don't promise her anything."

"I won't. That isn't my job." Pierre turned to walk away then paused. "I think you should know that Mia is having trouble with her pregnancy. If she loses this baby," he started but didn't finish, just continued on his way, leaving Joe to ponder what he'd heard.

Joe closed his eyes at that last bit. Pierre had hit below the belt with that, but he suspected the young man knew that. While he had given up his crown for the church, the young man was still Rupert Renaldi's son and had learned at his father's knee how to manipulate a situation. Of course, his mother was good at manipulating things to go the way she wanted as well. She was just more subtle about it and never showed any signs of manipulation until it hit you square in the eyes what she'd done. Whether you realized it right away or weeks later was dependant on what the situation was.

"Blasted woman," he growled. "Why can't I get you out of my head?"

_"__Because my son was right."_ Her voice echoed in his mind.

"Oh no you don't." Joe nearly shouted, shaking his head. "You are not going to manipulate me!"

_"__I'm not trying to. You are the one thinking these things. You are the one who hears these thoughts in my voice. Why do you suppose that is?"_

Joe closed his eyes, cursing his inner voice for sounding like Clarisse. Why she couldn't let him go, he didn't know, but she had a hold on him and no matter how hard he tried to fight it, he couldn't break it.

"But I don't think we'll ever be able to go back to how things were," he mumbled. "I'm not the man she used to know."

_"__Maybe I'm not the woman you used to know."_


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: I know it's been a bit since I updated, but...well. Anyway, this chapter is full of angst. So full of it that I think I'm just going to hide behind the sofa. Thank you for the reviews!**

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"How is she?" Andrew asked, his voice low, his eyes bleary from lack of sleep and the tears that were threatening.

Clarisse reached out and cupped his cheek. "She's weak, but she's going to be okay."

"Did," he started then swallowed. "Did she get to hold the baby at least?"

Clarisse closed her eyes, her own tears escaping the control she'd held over them the last few ours. "Yes," she answered quietly.

Andrew broke at that. Sobs escaped as he collapsed onto the sofa and buried his face in his hands. "She wanted that baby girl, so much. She wanted to give you a chance," he gasped out between his sobs.

Clarisse sat down beside the young man and wrapped her arms tightly around him, pulling him into her, knowing that no matter how badly she wanted to, she couldn't take away his pain. "I know she did. I also know you wanted a little girl too, didn't you?"

"A little Mia," he whispered on a sob.

"Let it all out, Andrew."

"Oh, Grandmother."

Clarisse caressed his back and pressed a kiss to his head, glad that she could be here for him, knowing that he had no idea that this was bringing back painful memories for her. She would be here for him until his own mother arrived and then she would go off by herself and deal with her own troubled thoughts.

"Grandmother?"

"Yes, Andrew?"

Andrew sniffed as he sat up, swiping at his eyes with his hands. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize for mourning your loss, Andrew. You need to mourn, the both of you do." She bit her lip and looked down at her hands. "You're going to have to force Mia to mourn. She'll want to keep it all inside, to become lost in her work, but you can't let her do that. Fight with her, do whatever you have to do to force her to let it out, or," she shook her head then looked up.

Andrew cocked his head and studied Clarisse. "You lost a baby," he whispered.

"Yes." Clarisse nodded. "A little girl that I wanted very much. I lost myself in my grief. I held it inside and was drowning in it. I nearly died from pneumonia because I didn't tell anyone I was sick."

"But didn't King Rupert notice? Or Joe?"

"Rupert was lost in his own grief and busy running the country. Joseph," she shrugged. "He tried but I always either pushed him away or told him I was fine. When I started getting sick, he was out of the country with Rupert. By the time they returned, I was already nearly too sick to recover."

"I promise I won't let that happen with Mia. I love her, Grandmother."

"I know you do." Clarisse patted his cheek. "Why don't you go sit with her, hmm? She'll need you when she wakes."

Leaning over, Andrew pressed a kiss to Clarisse's cheek. "Thank you for telling me about the baby, Grandmother. I know that has to hurt, but you've helped me, and you've let me know we won't be alone."

"Never alone, Andrew."

CnJ

Joe read the telegram once more before wadding it up and throwing it into the fire. Taking a long breath, he closed his eyes and let his head fall back. Memories assailed him, memories that tore at his heart in a way nothing had in a very long time.

_"__The baby, Your Majesty?" Joe asked quietly as he stared at his king._

_Rupert shook his head. "She's gone."_

_Joe swallowed then reached out and placed a hand on the man's arm. "I'm sorry, Your Majesty."_

_A cry pierced the quiet darkness around them causing Rupert to wince and shake his head._

_"__I can't, Joseph. I don't know how." Rupert whispered before walking out._

_Joe blinked in surprise at his monarch's actions then sighed, closing his eyes when another cry reached him. This was tearing apart the two people he cared about the most, and he was being left behind to pick up the pieces for one._

_But how do you pick up these pieces?_

_Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes and made his way to Clarisse's bedroom. Opening the door, he nodded at the doctor. "Doc," he murmured._

_"__Where is His Majesty?" the old man asked quietly._

_"__He left. He's not handling this well."_

_"__And so you, the ever faithful guard and friend, have been left behind to pick up what's left of her Majesty's heart." Doc sighed and shook his head. "I'm afraid that isn't going to be easy, my friend."_

_"__Where is the baby? Has she seen her?"_

_"__She held her for a moment then I sent my nurse away with her. They'll prepare her for burial." Doc packed the rest of his things, wiping at his eyes with a handkerchief when Clarisse cried out again. "Even in the drug induced sleep, she cries out. She's broken, Joe. I don't know that even you, her best friend, can put her back together again."_

_"__I'll do my best. Her sons need her. Her country needs her." Joe looked at Doc when he walked by and paused to squeeze Joe's shoulder. "The King needs her."_

_"__The King will recover far easier than she will. He still has his sons. He isn't a cold man, Joe, but he's a man full of duty and the princes are all that really matter in the long line of things. A princess would have only been an added bonus to one day join our country with another in an alliance. It is the way of the world in which we live. But for Her Majesty," Doc's voice cracked and he shook his head. "Just look after her. I'll be back in a few hours."_

_"__I won't leave her side, Doc. The King has his own guard. I'm sure he's probably with the boys at the moment, watching them sleep."_

_"__I'm sure he is."_

_Joe watched the old man leave then turned back to Clarisse as she cried out again. She was so pale in the dim light of the lamp, her blonde hair damp from the labor of delivering her lifeless little girl. Sitting beside her on the bed, he caressed the damp tendrils from her forehead. "My dear, Clarisse. I'm so sorry. Shh," he soothed when she whimpered._

_Dear God, help me._

Those dark days had haunted him for years after, just as they had the King and Queen. Neither of them had really gotten over the loss of that baby, though old Doc had been right, the King had recovered far easier and faster than the Queen.

And now…

Now she was watching history repeat itself.

Making his decision, Joe turned toward his home.

"I have to go back."


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Sorry it's taken so long to update but well...real life and other fandoms keep getting in my way. Thank you for the reviews and the new favorites and follows!**

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"I don't know if things can ever go back the way they were, Clarisse, but I would at least like for us to be friends again." Joe looked at her sitting on the window seat, staring out over the darkened grounds of the Palace. "We were friends long before we were anything else."

"I don't know if I can go back to just friends, Joseph." Clarisse whispered.

"It's all I can give you, Clarisse." Joe told her. "I've spent the last years killing targets my government gave me. I'm not the same."

"_I'm_ not the same, Joseph!" Clarisse shouted at him. "I'm no longer queen."

"Yes, but that wasn't the problem."

"Yes, it was." Clarisse countered.

"No, Clarisse, it wasn't. It was what you hid behind, but it wasn't the problem." Joe sighed as he sat down. "You couldn't let go. You had become so accustomed to shutting off your feelings and emotions, that you were afraid to completely give in to them."

"How can you say that after all that we shared?"

"Because all that we shared, while wonderful, wasn't what it could have been."

"And what of you?"

"I gave you everything I had, Clarisse. While on duty, I kept myself in check to protect you as best I could. When we were alone, I let you into the very depths of who I am. I let go."

"I gave you everything."

"No, you didn't. That night, all I wanted was to know that you had thought of us, that you had decided to let go and let me love you openly. You didn't need to be frightened of people's reactions anymore. Mia was about to become queen, the throne was secured. But you couldn't let go. You insisted that Mia needed you, that you had to concentrate on her. You could have loved me openly and still guided her. She would have been happy for us."

"I've let go now." Clarisse whispered.

"Yes, you have, because you had to. But Clarisse," Joe held her gaze when she looked at him. "I don't know that I have anything left to give other than friendship."

CnJ

Mia stared out the windows of her room. Sleep was foreign to her these days, her mind always filling with the lost dreams of the baby girl that had been taken from her. Seeing a shadowy figure walking in the gardens, she blinked a bit before realizing it was her grandmother.

Standing, Mia walked to the bed and grabbed her robe, pulling it on as she walked out of the bedroom, through the sitting room, and out her door. Knowing she was being watched, she continued on her way until she was outside and headed toward the gardens where she'd seen her grandmother.

Clarisse heard movement behind her and turned, startled to see her granddaughter. "Mia? What are you doing out here, Darling?"

Mia moved into her grandmother's open arms, sighing as she rested her head against her shoulder. "I saw you walking out here from my windows."

"You should be asleep." Clarisse whispered as she gently caressed a hand over Mia's soft hair.

"I can't." Mia whispered as she snuggled further into Clarisse's embrace. "I see her, Grandma. If I close my eyes, I see us watching her as she tries to walk, as she grabs at Joey wanting him to play with her. All the dreams I had, I see them all."

"Oh my precious girl." Clarisse sighed as she wrapped her arms tighter around Mia and gently rocked her back and forth. "I understand, but Joey needs his mother. If you don't sleep you'll get sick and it will frighten him. You can't do what I did."

"What you did?" Mia asked, not having heard this part of the story.

"I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I made myself ill and developed pneumonia. I didn't tell anyone."

"But surely Joe and Grandpa noticed."

"No, they didn't. I wouldn't let Joseph close enough and Rupert had lost himself in the running of the country to fight his grief. Rupert took a trip and decided to take Joseph with him. When they got back, I was nearly too far gone to be helped. Joseph found me in the gardens and brought me back inside, issuing orders as he went to call for the doctor and Rupert. The doctor wasn't happy with either of them, until he learned the truth. Then of course he wasn't happy with me, though I was too sick for him to express his displeasure."

"How did you get better?"

"Rupert started sharing his grief with me, letting me know that he was sorry if he seemed not to care. Joseph was assigned to me because Rupert knew how close the two of us were as friends. His presence, when I realized he wasn't going to leave me alone, was calming. Once I was well enough to have visitors, the boys were brought in every day to spend time with me so that I could see that they needed me." Clarisse smiled as she pressed a kiss to Mia's head. "Philippe would snuggle up next to me and hold my hand, telling me these crazy little stories he made up. Pierre would read to me from one of our favorite books." Gently nudging Mia back, Clarisse cupped her face. "Let Andrew and Joey help you, Darling. Share the dreams with Andrew. He wanted that little girl as much as you did." She wiped a tear from Mia's cheek. "He wanted a little Mia. He loves you so very much. Don't hold back. Spend time with Joey, listen to him chatter about whatever he's done with his day. They'll help you heal."

"It hurts so much, Grandma."

"I know it does, Darling. There will always be an ache. You'll never forget her, but the ache will lessen as the years go by."

"Grandma?"

"Yes?"

"Are you alright? Why were you here in the gardens?"

"It's nothing for you to worry about."

Mia sighed, "It's Joe."

"It's both of us, Mia, but you let Joseph and I worry over it. You need to concentrate on yourself right now." Clarisse smiled as she kissed Mia's cheek. "Go back to bed before Andrew wakes up and worries."

"Yes, Grandma." Mia whispered as she hugged Clarisse. "I love you. Thank you for sharing with me."

"I love you, too, Darling. Now go on." Clarisse gently nudged the young woman, watching as she made he way back inside. She knew that Mia would go back to her room and settle into Andrew's arms as she shared with him why she couldn't sleep. If only she had arms to go back to. Arms to hold her as she struggled with her own grief at the loss of the much anticipated little girl that would have given her a second chance.

But she didn't have those strong arms, and it was her own fault.

Joseph had been right.

She had been afraid of letting go.

She'd spent all of her adult life doing her duty to her country, so much so, that she had become nothing more than an automaton that didn't know how to do anything other than serve the needs of those in her charge.

Joseph had awakened part of her with their secret relationship, his love showing her that she wasn't emotionless, but it hadn't been enough to stop her from choosing duty over love.

Sitting on the bench under the tree, she stared out at the darkness surrounding her, wishing she knew how she could bring back the Joseph that had loved her.

Then it struck her.

She knew how she could bring him back.

Give him what he'd asked.

Be his friend once again.


End file.
